not good. but not bad either.

CS803 B
EE4041 B
EE4901 C+
EE4903 B-
EE4905 B
EE4906 C+
EE4907 C
HW310 B

not exactly very good. but at least its a totally different change from the results that i got my last 6 sems.

exhaustion.

i am so damn tired.

why do i have to stupidly agree to go to work when pple ask? even when i have been doing so non stop for the last 2 weeks? no breaks at all?

why am i telling myself its all for the money?

am i trying to kill myself? i think so.

hmm.

i need a break.

exhausting exciting days

wed was indeed a hectic day for me. went for the 2-star kayaking in the morning, rushed back to sch in the afternoon to be 3 min late for the polo match, had lifesaving training in the evening. reached back home totally exhausted.. and woke up today for another day of kayaking.

gotta say i was rather apprehensive bout the kayaking. not that i dunno how to kayak, been doing that a lot the last 8 yrs. but there was this worry that was nagging me. bout wat i dunno. maybe i was afraid i could not perform well enough to pass the assessment. haha.. but today went super well. had so much fun, almost din wanna come back to land. eskimo bow rescue provides to be super exciting! capsized so many times and stayed upside down in water till i really lost count of it. but damn, was that fun!

tmr's expedition day. though its just a sad 6km to the merlion and back, but at least we are on the move!

polo match was a disappointment to me again though. my 4 years playing for hall 12 only saw me score 1 goal. i think i did score it. but assisted plenty. defended plenty. never had any other chance for me to score. sadly. yesterday saw me missing my only shot for the day. goodness. why did i not shoot higher. think it has to be fated. hope i can really score 1 more goal just before i leave NTU. it would be a good swansong for me.....

oh damn. i am getting nostalgic and emo. haha....

weekend!

and it totally doesnt feel like one.

i am still going to work on saturday, and i got a sunday packed full of stuff that i am not doing for myself. argh.

nvm. at least i am gonna go for prata tmr after work. looking forward to that! i am getting sooo deprived of prata. NICE PRATA.

time to get back to my CS. i need practice...

simply awesome

i am falling sick.

after surviving thru exams. trainings. watever not.

falling sick nw. its so WTF.

everything is bout the money

i see people around me enjoying life. spending time with people around them. doing fun things. going to beaches. eating nice food. having quality time with their other halves.

i am working day in day out. come back so shagged i cant do any training of my own. not that the dreary weather would allow me to. and i am so shagged out i cant stay awake beyond 12. my off days are spent in sch in labs, or at trainings. and staying at home listening to people bang bang bang. and i do all that all alone. nobody beside me that i can look forward to.

damn. do i feel lonely.

and tired.

i really really hate my life now.

why is everything just bout the money? isnt there anything that doesnt involve money?

its been too long

wednesday was mambo night. wednesday, after over a year of absence from the night life, i finally made an appearance at mambo. music was rather disappointing, so were the drinks. crowd was horrible, jam packed to the max. but damn, did i feel good after that. its been too long. think i should go there again. soon. not to mambo, somewhere else i could enjoy myself better, with better music, better dance companions.

went to work today after 1.5 hrs of slp. din slp e whole day at work, went round chatting, talking, doing stuff. am amazed with myself i am still alive after all this while.

think i should get a good rest tonight. tmr will be the start of training proper. i have slacked long enough.

tiring tiring

exhausting first 2 days back at work.

totally died when i got back to my room. no idea if i am juz too weak or watever. crap.

its finally over.

this is one semester i must say that i am quite happy that its over. i have worked the hardest since i could ever remember, and have been the most consistent in my work. this is also one semester that i did not fall sick at all, not even close to it. i cant think of anything bad to talk about this semester, save for my impending results. but anyway its over. i dont want to think too much into it.

this is one semester that i have been so busy that i forgot to feel lonely. i forgot to feel sad. but i do get the feeling sometimes. when i see people around me happily attached, or in the sweet process of courtship. i feel left out. i feel, lonely. i feel like i am missing out something. there is this emptiness in me that i have no idea how to fill it up. chances have come and gone, and i dont know if it is because i refused to take them up, or i am too afraid to. i dont know.

and as i am typing all everything, the only face that is appearing in front of my eyes is yours. i should just not think so much.

now i should concentrate on working out. no more excuses to slack. Colin Soon, you have a record to break (FHY, dont laugh. I will show it to you). you have a body to achieve. you have FYP to do. you have no time to think bout such rubbish and wallow in self-induced loneliness.

ARGH it just sucks. i hate my life.

wil the right girl come, like people's been telling me all semester? i dont know. haiz. i dont think it ever will.

crash and burn

2 more papers. and this sem will come to a close.

this is one sem that i have been the most hardworking. mugging and burying myself in books so damn early. finishing PYP by week 13.

this is one sem i am totally disappointed with myself. it seems that all that senseless mugging did not help. i am still as dumb. i still cant integrate for nuts.

its my studying method i guess. its my loss of motivation and drive, right b4 the exams i guess. i was just doodling and doing everything but study the last 2 weeks. i tink i really deserve it.

to think this sem might have made a difference to my grades. that i might actually see proper grades on my degree audit for once.

i guess all hope is gone.

its just crash and burn for now.


EE4903 Physiological Systems Analysis.


a rather simple paper. if you exclude ALL the maths. which is bout.. 75% of the paper.

can it get any worse?

looking at the paper. knowing you have read it somewhere before.

you cant remember anything that you read. those that you remembered is jumbled up with every other thing.

and you just know that you read that formula 5 min b4 u entered the exam hall. and you cant remember it. and that costed you 20 marks.

and thats not inclusive of the question that came from a tutorial that i did not read thru at all. e one and only tut.

boy. how exciting a paper.

thankfully i dun hafta see e paper again. not because i will clear it, but because its not offered nxt sem. not to say i wil take it again.



ARGHHHHHHHHHH.............

confidence? just pure dumb.

when you are feeling the most confident for the paper you are gonna sit for, and when you open up the paper you juz dont bloody remember things you read juz a while ago.

when you think you should be able to do most of the questions, you end up doing a lil more then half.

when you think that this should be the easiest paper, you screw it up.

i donno how to do the paper tmr.


EE4907 Bioelectronics


ah fuck. i am just dumb. sometimes hardwork doesnt matter. it matters when you have the brains. i dont. so hardwork doesnt matter.

and fuck that fat ass of a negative EQ guy. after paper talk like he is marking the paper. "oh you will get 5 marks for this, you will get 3 marks for that" SCREW YOU. smart so what. you got NO EQ. and you look like what i was 10 yrs ago. FAT AND GROSS.

ah fuck. i got a paper tmr. wake up wake up.

Too Late..

wrapped!

ok, so i decided to get something proper to wrap my lappie. got black, cos someone mentioned that black marble looks as though my lappie is growing mould. :( and i am not getting any other colour except black.

and here's the outcome! nt without defects though. but its my first attempt, and rounded surfaces are proving very difficult to do.





and here are the defects: (all 4 corners of the top panel. haiz)


Not bad la i think. wat you all think? if too bad dun say anyting. i will kill myself.

sputter sputter

something is v v v wrong here.

i have ZERO motivation to study.

ok so i have finished quite a bit of past year papers. so i might be a tat complacent.

or did i work too hard initially i am losing motivation to study.

or am i just destined to be doomed again.

haiz.


will somebody shoot me?

resist or conform?

read this from one of the people's nick on MSN:

It's useless to revolt against the difficulties of life; learn resignation, patience, and optimism.


i just think this is totally crap. ok not totally. i agree with the last 2 parts. patience and optimism. but resignation? useless to revolt against the difficulties of life? i think it is very very wrong to let the world dictate how you live your life. let things of chance happen and tell you what to do. this is not right. not right at all.

i believe in fighting. i believe in creating something out of my sorry ass life that i am in. i dont want to be working in a 9-5 job all my life. till i am 70, and still worrying if i can have my next 3 meals intact. i dont want to be doing that. i want to semi-retire at 40. travel the world. go back to my office as an when i want to. i dont want work to dictate my life after 40. i want to dictate my work.

resignation is something that is so easy to do sometimes. most of the time. it is the easy way out. but is that the way that i want? i am damn sure there will be this nagging pain in me if i just go with the resignation part. for i know i will regret that i din try my best. but in life, sometimes trying your best is just not enough.

haha too much contractions in life and the stuff i just wrote. but i just tell myself everytime something goes bad for me, that i am NOT gonna let anything tell me i am a quitter. for the last 3 years of my life, i've been wanting so badly to get out of sch and start working. and now that i am so near to that objective, i suddenly feel fear. fear of venturing out into the unknown. to fulfil whatever that i have planned for myself. it seemed so much for me to handle alone. it seemed that i am walking the road alone. i need someone by my side.

i want to be successful in life. success comes with a price i guess. but i am determined to break out of the poverty cycle. i will not conform to the general belief that earning enough to feed yourself is good enough. money is NEVER enough. i will not be satisfied, ever, with my achievements. i admit i am a late starter, but yes, i will compensate that with my determination and passion.

Losers make excuses, winners make it happen.



I choose RESIST.

Battlefield NYA/SRC

upcoming papers:

23rd November 1430-1630 F1225
EE 4901 Biomedical Control System Design

26th November 1700-1900 B0683
EE4906 Medical Imaging Systems

27th November 1700-1900 F0851
EE4907 Bioelectronics

29th November 0900-1100 D0044
EE4903 Physiological Systems Analysis

30th November 1430-1630 C0244
EE4905 Biomedical Signal Processing


gee. am i screwed or am i screwed.

here i come. to get my ass kicked.

it feels so good

nothing beats the feeling of being able to go to the pool after attempting 8 hours of work which is only 3 hours productive, and just swim a few laps. chill on the chair, and observe my ever-flabby and getting worse tummy.

oh well. now its time to get back to work.

CS803 MEDIA IN AMERICA tomorrow.



ARGH.

morning happy meal

haha so happy with myself that i actually crawled to the function room to study at 6.30am, dat i decided to make myself a simple, happy breakfast meal.

4 nuggets, 2 slices of bread with a generous coating of peanut butter, a hot dog and a glass of cold milk. oh boy. haven had something so nice in a long while. heh.

ok i shall go back to eating!

WE TAKING OVER!

a good afternoon swim

thats what you need when you just get too restless. thats all you need to get yourself straightened out. get your thoughts straightened out. water has just this calming efffect. though it could be a tat, no, 2 tats salty for a swimming pool.

ok, so now i am feeling so sleepy, and i am in a total loss if i should go sleep or go do reading. i still haven touched my CS803 module.. dieee.

hmmm.

doomed?

do and do PYP. only to realise i am getting dumber with every paper i do.

so should i not do or do more? hmmm.

up next!

CS803 Media in America

Monday 19 November, 2007

1700-1900 hrs




ok so that seems like plenty of time. but my last week of exams is packed to the brim. so its not gonna be easy flowing from now on.

TIME TO MUGGGGG!!!

CHARGEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

2 days

from the big HRM day. hope everything will be fine for HRM. its like e worst module ever ever ever that anyone could take. boooooooo.

and will you get out of my head? its like e worst time ever you could get into it.

argh.

again

i dreamt of you again this afternoon.

it was such a nice dream that i din wanna wake up from it. i wanted it to continue. i wanted it to be true.

it was bout the both of us being together, you knowing how i feel. it was bout us simply doing nothing together.

it was nothing but a dream.


haiz. stop appearing in my dreams please. its very painful to wake up from it.

Quote of the Day

Doing A Good Deed is Like Peeing In Your Pants.

Everyone Will Know You Did It, But Only You Can Feel The Warmth.


Not exactly true, but it just sounds damn cool.

4 more days!

to the first paper.



EE4041 HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT.



boy, am i excited.

a wonderful evening

after EE4906 quiz on the very last 30 min of the very last lecture on the very last day of school for the semester, and realising how pia my class is, was too restless and bothered to be studying in school. essentially stressed out. took a ride out with wayne's car, and was whining to him about my agonies of studying and how freaking muggerish my class is. yes only bout 15 lidat are muggerish, not considered a lot by EEE standards, but if we take into account that there are bout only 30-40 pple in my course, we have 50% of the people in my course who are pure muggers. which is absolutely depressingly stressful. argh.

met HQ for a spontaneous dinner at Holland V, was totally unplanned for. just decided to call her since i was going to clementi, and vola! she decided to go eat. Had Thai Express, and followed by dessert at the food center beside. initially wanted to mug at some place, but we ended up going to TCC at NAFA to drink and slack at the couch. WHICH, when we reached there, the couple in front of us took the very last seat. which was like totally CRAP.

came back home, and decided to just take a nap. woke up at 3am, did some statics, changed out 2 pails of water for tank. water changing is actually therapeutic. never did i realise that before. ahhhh! i feel better already. doing things that are not sch related. which might remind me of how muggerish my class is. ARGH.

ok time to get to my OB. intending to finish everything up by this weekend so i can get at my technical electives some more. and later i am gonna study with an Indian Scholar! i am so excited bout the whole idea! ahhaaa...

7 days...

exactly 7 more days to the big big first paper. just went for class, and i discovered how much that i din know, which i thought i knew, on top of what i already know i dont know. i am so so so screwed.

someone. please. murder me.

8 more days

to the big day. to the day where the mayhem begans. where i will walk out of the exam hall reproaching myself that i should have studied this harder. should have focused on that more. should have played less, surfed less, slept less, study more. den i will pray very very hard that i will not bao the paper.

8 more days. gosh. am i excited.

lazy weekend

spent another weekend in hall, and did nothing productive this weekend. woke up at 5pm on sat, and attempted a few hours of weak effort at revision, and gave up. woke up at 12 today, and hid in the games room, in an attempt to study. went thru a few tutorials, and spent twice as much time on msn as i did on books. i am doomed. seriously i need to throw away my comp. and facebook's warbook function is proving to be an addiction.

started on my 4903 PYP finally, but gave up half way. crap. i shall get back at it once i change my blog skin. wahahahhaa

sorry

sorry for snapping at you over the phone.

i really didnt mean to. i dunno wat got into me.

breaking point

i think after 24 yrs of life, i finally hit the limit.

never did i ever experience this before. this feeling.

想见你

This song is getting into my head.

彩虹

popping.

its 15 more days to exams. i haven even finished half of what i am supposed to revise. i need to get at least all Bs this sem, to try to make up for my disastrous pass 6 semesters. but apparently it appears i am gonna have a difficulty to pass them, least say B. i got stacks of notes not read yet. i got info retention problem, things i read juz goes right out of my head. i been spending my precious last 3 days either sleeping or watching greys', clocking only 4 hours average of constructive studying time daily only. i am beyond screwed. i got a lab report which i have NO damn idea how to do the last question. it seems that i just cant finish the work i need to finish. my tummy is juz growing in size cos i am juz eating everyday and not exercising enough. all e sitting is making my butt grow damn big. so damn gross. i was 68.2kg 1 week ago. i am very sure i am 73 now. ARGH. i hate it. i hate my tummy. i hate being fat. i hate schwork. i hate exams. i hate school. i hate girls. i hate relationships. i hate seeing new couples form up around me cos it makes me sore. i hate e fact i snack non stop when i read my notes. i hate everything bout me.

and why isst that everyone will come tell me bout their problems. their stress. tgheir frustrations. but why isst nobody ever asks me bout mine? haiz.

life sucks. i hate it. totally.

Into You Like A Train

had a Grey's Anatomy marathon just. Season 2 episode 6 is totally horrible. totally emo. made me totally emo. this dull heartache in me that just stays. its as though i can feel what they are feeling. and it just makes me.. i dunno. emo.

what will happen that if i meet with something like that one day. i am just talking and crapping jokes a moment before, and the next moment i am dead cos someone pulled a pole outta me. when will i be able to tell that someone about what i really feel? when life is so damn unpredictable. that my life has to be sacrificed cos i was standing at the wrong place at the wrong time.

life just sucks. i am just rambling. i got so much work to catch up on, i got a lab report which i got no idea how to do the last question cos its too damn complicated. i just finished at least 8 episodes of greys' today. i took 3 2 hour naps in between. i am so screwed. so fucked. i hope my life would just be a clean end. i dont wanna know that i wil be leaving people behind. to know that it is gonna be my last moment.

screw it. ignore me. i am just emo-ed.

sunday afternoon

in hall on a sunday afternoon, mugging for the upcoming exams.

i feel like a PRC. goodness me.

i am sooooo behind time. somebody kill me. please.

exhausted.

i am totally exhausted. argh. but i am scared of nov 30 coming. cos it means i would have screwed up my papers.

how i wish there could be someone i could cuddle with and recharge with. haiz.

anyway i got myself a second belated bday present! actually starhub gave that to me. a simple nice walkman phone. ahaha. yay! think i should really really consolidate my gifts and take a foto of it! haha.

and to miss goldfish! i demand we meet up for lunch or dinner soon, before i die and i got no more chance to meet anyone. and if there are any emo days, u gotta come find me k!!!!!

=)

sighhhhh

i need a hug.

haiiiz.

OK!

nw i know why i love this song so much.

cos its e life i wanna lead, i am leading. haha.

the prince charming.

4 months plus old, and i really gotta say that he is super duper handsome!

Wat are you looking at?!

Tell me i look very shuai in this pose!

forced to take a foto wif my sister. who keeps pinching my cheeks.

a disappointment.

its really shocking. maybe i haven been back home long enough, maybe i haven been spending enough time with them. maybe i haven been really fulfilling what i am supposed to be doing as a son. but i never recalled my dad being so shrivelled. he has shrunk to all skin and bone, he is so thin now. he used to be buff enough to carry my nephew on his shoulders. he looks so much different now. so aged. and at his age of 64, he is still working. getting himself injured at work, having a hairline crack at his hip cos some dumb fuck kid rode a bike into him. all just trying to earn a living to support this house. and his car. and his mother who stays in a nursing home. and he is earning peanuts from his long hours of work.

and my mum. all the 15 hour days of hard labour at work, carrying things a third of her weight, is not helping her at all. she woke up at 2.45 am in the morning asking me to help her massage her arm cos she injured it at work, and its not recovering. and its hurting so bad she cant sleep. and juz roaming around the house, i saw a foto of her taken 4 years ago. maybe less. she looks totally different now. sunken. flappy skin at her arms not cos she is fat, but cos she lost so much weight.

and all of this is just for the simple fact, money. till now they have to work for money to make ends meet. barely meet. and it totally tears me up that i am unable to help them out. there is no way i can put the ache that is inside my heart out in words. its too overwhelming for words. and to think back on the years that i have let them down with my schwork. with my fucked up results. never did they once scold me for it. they just go, "as long as u tried your best, its ok." but did i really try my best? never. and when i wanna do it now, its a little too late. i am struggling with everything cos my basics are too fucked up. and i am putting in more then i ever did in my whole damn life of studying, and its not really working. but maybe, i am not putting enough.

all i wanna do is just to get out of sch. get a job. and ease their load. so they can really enjoy their retirement age. but can i really give them a good retirement life like i wished them to have? i dunno. not in the next few years. money earned is gonna just be fuck little.

and who is to be blamed? me. i just hate myself for being a burden to them. for being such a disappointment in life. it just sucks.

Why is this world just all bout money?

ah fuck.

NEVER NEVER ITCHY HAND

in a valiant attempt to create more swimming space for my fishes so they do not keep brushing against my corals, i changed part of the rockscape, and now it seriously looks like shit.

FUCK.

friendly attentive talkative.

yesss i am still at 69.2! despite my fears that i am growing bigger around my waist.. i am STILL growing around my waist, but the numbers says its only a 200g increase! yay!

ok. nxt week i shall aim to hit 68. muahahhaa...

juz went for a goooood and long needed swim. shiookkk.

but should i go for class later?? hmmmm.

NS40

been spending the last 2 hours reading stories posted by NS Men. looking at photos of their trainings. I have to say, it did nothing but brought back memories of my time in the army. serving the nation. feeling patriotic. damn. how i miss those times inside.




i actually miss outfield.

satisfied panicky boy

just had hotplate supper with the village pple. haven had such a supper with them in the longest time. kinda miss the good old days. though we din exactly seat around and talk like the past, but it still beats me alone in my single room along a lonely stretch.. ate and ate and ate. there goes all my training. already starting to put on fats again around my waist, cos haven been running regularly, cos of all e schwork and catching up to do. damn. i need to really watch wat i eat.

OK TONIGHT SHALL BE THE LAST NIGHT I EAT ANYTHING AFTER 9PM! NO FOOD AFTER 9PM! NOT EVEN MILO. ONLY COFFEE.

yes i am paranoid over my body shape. sue me if u dun like.

and i need to work hardddd on my revision. am going oh sooooo slowly on it. haiz.

and i stink of bbq food. all the smoke is in my hair. i think i should go bathe. hmmm.

- Quote of the Day -

Don't Let Someone Be A Priority In Your Life When You Are Simply An Option In Theirs.

how apt. but its still quite tough to listen to the quote, cos your heart just speaks too loudly.

Whatever, Anything, You Decide

Playing hard to get. as always.

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a café and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything

i need divine intervention

i am like 28 days more to exams, i have 3 reports more, plenty of stuff to catch up on, and i am in a slacky mood. i am so damn shit ass dead. someone has gotta do something bout it. when u see me sleeping in my room u have to kick me up and drag me out and pour water on me if all else fails.

i even did a wallpaper to try inspire me to do work. haiz.

dreams.

its good to have dreams. its good to keep them. but its not good to think of them too much, for they are simply just dreams. but how can u stop thinking of her when the person is like a frequent flyer in your head. intriguing.

mugged at the airport overnight on sat. finally got 1 set of notes read and down. but den i think i have a serious problem with information retention. need to do something bout it. soon. 4 more weeks more to doomsday. exactly 30 more days. 4 more reports to be due. yay. i am so fucked.

nvm. life is short. just do watever you can. MH you hang in there. exams gonna be over soon! juz mug like there's no tomorrow for now! =)

in love...

the big 1 2 day passed almost to how i wanted it to be, peaceful, allowing me to catch up on my long needed sleep after HRM induced sleep deprivation. went to watch zhang zhen yue concert in school in the evening (gotta thank JY for her effort in securing the tix) and he absolutely rox! i am like juz gonna worship him even more from now on. went for the jcrc bbq after that, and only 4 pple from the 6th turned up. wat a boo boo. and i realised all the not eating cos of HRM induced loss of appetite is screwing up my tummy. i juz ate 4 pieces of chicken fillet and i am full! i am gonna die soon. thanks shirin for the pastamania voucher.. you honest caught me by surprise when u passed it to me. was in a total loss for words. you rock totally. i shall stop victimizing u for a few days. oh must thank YH plenty for the crumpler bag! am like not wanting to let it outta my sight. either i am in love with the bag or i am in love with the idea of having a crumpler finally. either case, i am in love. and of course vinz for giving me a bottle of Absolut Raspberri. its sitting on my table and i am juz staring at it.

spent a good decent time with my mum today, running around town and having some nice alone time with her. haven had that since i dunno when, cos she is FOREVER working. and she is only off on wednesdays, and it happens to be always my busiest day.

yeah, it sucks to hafta plan your own bday get-together dinner with the family, but its always like that for the last 24 years. yeah it sucks to not have anyone to look forward to cuddle. yes it sucks to have to study for the upcoming exams, and still worry bout the stupid FYP. yes it sucks to be in this crappy world. but i am still thankful for pple that is always around me. you know who you are, enduring my crazy mood swings. i love you guys..

happy bday to myself again. belated. i think i juz hafta convince myself that bdays are actually worth celebrating again.

24.

i am turning 24 in 90 mins. happy bday to myself. but wat is exactly so happy bout it. there is nothing to look forward to, nobody to be able to share your happiness with. its juz loneliness overwhelming me. i dun need to have everyone celebrating with me. juz someone in my heart to cuddle me, and just share my bday with.

but nope. there is no one. it all sucks. and i am all emo now. shedding tears thats been hidding in me all this while. i think its juz the stress and thorough lack of sleep the last 2 weeks struggling to hit deadlines.


argh. ignore this.

40 storeys.

b4 i came back to hall just now i went up to the newly completed HDBs just around the corner from my house. went all e way up to the top. the view was like damn awesome! never regreted going up there. guess the only regret i had was not being able to live there. haiz.



took the photos from my hp cam. quality is like super lousy, but i think its still quite nice. i wanna stay at e top floor nxt time!!!!!!!!!!!

while walking to the train station i saw this lady limping really bad. its those kinda limp that you haf gotta swing your handicapped leg outwards so it will move forward.. i juz felt super sad for the lady, and i cant imagine myself without that pair of functional legs i have. never will i take my legs for granted, since i am blessed with a functional pair till now..


OH. HRM friday. some fotos from it. taken at 5am, when we already shagged out. EEE should juz abolish HRM, or change the co-ordinator. this is retarded. we are spending so much time on a 3 AU module and not even having enough time for the rest of the 20 that we are taking, excluding FYP. dumb shit EEE. booooo.

complicated simplicities.

its amazing, how something so simple, can get so complicated..

its something that everyone, no matter how much that some refuse it, wants it deep down inside them. its something that almost no one in the world can do without.

maybe i have been hurt too deeply, maybe i have be scorned too hard.
maybe i have been in a situation so familiar and yet so painful, that i dont wish to be in that situation again.
there are days so often now, that i get so busy there is often no time for me to think, but there will be days that it just hits me so hard, that i am unsure of whatever i am thinking. unsure of myself, and the dull throbbing ache just comes right back to me.

yes, i wish to be able to cuddle with someone again. able to hold her hands and feel the warmth of her in my palms. able to look into her eyes and tell her how much i love her. how much i wish to be part of her. there are days that i wish that there will be a someone for me to look forward to, to make my day not so much of a drag. there are days that i wish that that would be someone to share the cake that i am eating. to eat from the same cup of ice cream that i am eating. to just have a nice, quiet dinner with. there are days when i wish that there is someone to share her day with me, no matter how bad or how good, and let me feel how she is feeling.

but no, right now i am unable to picture myself holding another girl's hands in romance. though i know that somewhere inside my heart its telling me to just go ahead, but what is stopping me? i dont know. past scars maybe. traumatising it is has been to me. commitment-phobia? not likely. confused? probably. weighed down by personal problems and issues. definitely. too much things coming my way, too little capabilites to handle them all. and all i wish is that someone is there for me to just be with at the end of a tough day, to make me feel loved all over again. to make me feel that someone in this world actually cares for me again.

how painful can it get, to just want to feel loved again, and yet on the inside, you are torn up, there is a nail embedded too deep in your hard, cold heart, that you are unable to dig out. and all that i wish for, is the ability to love someone again. with all my heart. is it just a simple case of holding back? or is it just fear. i have no idea.

right now you are someone that has appeared in my life, that i feel that might actually light up my path again. to bring me out of the gloominess that i am in. but i, am unable to say anything to you, to tell you how i feel. maybe i still dont know you long enough, maybe its just a crush. i have no idea. but there is a huge part of me telling me no.

and it is actually a very simple thing. its either to stay single or get attached.

ciggrettes are still my best friend. it creates no complicated simplicities...

its 3am and i am..

still at the tutorial room doing the stupid HRM. so damn stupid a module to do. there is like almost nothing that i will learn from HRM except how to survive on 1 hour sleep days and still go to sch and stone cos i was rushing reports and projects all night long. its so damn stupid a thing to do. crap.

i hate HRM i hate HRM i hate HRM.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

2 reports in 2 nights

burning the whole night away and stoning the whole day away the next day is actually quite a good thing. i completed my first 4901 report on monday night, and den i just completed my part for the HRM final report. i seriously cant be any happier now, as in seriously, i wrote 2,284 words all by myself in 1 night. how cool can that be. though i am stoned as shit. and i got class at 8.30. i am so screwed seriously. and wed is my longest day ever. 8.30 till 5.30. and den i juz read that my team wanna run 15km for training tonight. i am so majorly screwed.

2 things down, many more to go.

but the feeling is still damn good.

screw HRM!

after 2 solid days of HRM discussion. 10 till 8 on both days.

school? or students?

what is like really wrong with the stupid school. why are they creating sooo many more type of courses and having soooo many students and soooooooo little study space? its like everyplace is packed with people. this never happened 3 years ago.. or could it be just the students? so chao muggers them all. disgustingly gross. STOP STUDYING YOU PEOPLE!!!! end up i gotta hide in some forlorn tutorial room to juz find a place to study. grrrrrrr.

never mind. i weigh 69kg now. weighed it yesterday after polo training. i shall aim to hit below 67 by the end of exams.

and i hate my final year life. so much damn shit to do.

grrrrrrrrrrr

rubbish actions and a spectacled cost.

i am sooooo broke nowwww.. went out to get my oakleys fixed, but den ended up getting another pair of specs.. nvm! i shall from now on wear more glasses! act studious in a vain attempt to be studious. i hope it works. i am like sooo drained after the specs. haiiiiz. any sugar mummy out there? hmmm. did a lot of zi lian shots in the bus on e way out.. not bad leh i think. without glasses. i think i am so gonna look totally dumb in specs. haiz.







OH! and i washed my dustbin! people who frequent my room will know howwwww grossly dirty my bin is, and how i always put off washing it.. so it juz gets worse and worse! but nowww!



its clean i can wear it! it smells of my shampoo! cos i used it to wash it. heh.





ok thats all the looney-ness for now. got soooooooo much damn work to do and even more reports to do. and i got no damn idea how to get one of it done! crap. someone end my agony. NO. someone help me do my report. pleasee..?

stricken~~

struck by the feeling of loneliness. again. ah crap. how shitty can this feeling be.

and all i can think of is just someone. and how stressed she could be. how bothered by others she is. and how i wanna cut their nuts right off and feed them to the dogs running wild around NTU.

haiz.

and i forgot to add in..

WOMEN ARE JUST WEIRD!

i can just never ever figure out what they are thinking, what they have up in their heads. Its so hard to want in on their thoughts, in their lives. crappy.

COMPLICATED CREATURES.

boooo!

its all about pros and cons.

i just realised that after so long, being kept alive for so damn long, everything boils down to pros and cons. its like you spend too much on food with a limited amount of money, you dun get to buy stuff that you really need. you spend too much on redundant things like drinks and alcohol and smoke, you dun get to buy other stuff like running shoes, which might actually be more beneficial to health. you drive too fast, you get from place to place fast, but you might risk getting into accidents (i juz got scolded tonight by my passenger. how upsetting). you spend too much time procrastinating you juz end up losing time to study. how crappy.

it sucks to be in a situation where you are always on e losing end. too little money for too much wants and hobbies. it sucks to be born poor. it sucks to have to work for your own pocket money so that i can survive and go out often with people who actually have everything paid for and still get twice more den wat i work and earn each month. haiz. prices nowadays sting like siao. for a person with a stagnant allowance, and everything is increasing. how awful can that be.

even when you are working plenty to earn money, you have soooo little time for yourself, to enjoy. it sucks too. then life revolves around simply going out for short shopping sprees in the evenings after work, and compare with fellow workaholics how exciting their gadgets seem. its like, goodness me. how boring. and most of e working pple around me are like that. i have like totally NO intentions to fall into that category.

and of course, when you wanna be nice to pple around you when they are like soooo damn mean to you, you just end up torturing yourself. pros and cons again. how do you get to torture yourself? cos you are simply putting up with all the shit that people are giving you. sucks totally. i mean, if pple did give me shit, i would have cut off their balls and fried them so i could offer them to the cats in my hall that looks totally like garfield. same size, same colour, same look.

you make a choice, you suffer the consequences. you decide for yourself.

i absolutely hate it when pple tell me that. will someone return me to the time when i was still 8 years old? young and innocent and happy, everyday i am juz worried if i have enough games in my head to keep me entertained. and Lego. how can i forget my favourite game of all time. haha.

ok. enough of pros and cons tonight. maybe something else next time.

lifesaving pictures. of me. finally.

ok! finally got some time to upload some silly pictures of me. drowning. and slacking.. why is it that my dear photographer fren refuses to take some nice, glam shots of me in action, but always of me like half drowning or just sleeping my life away.. haiz.

Drowning..

Drowning.. .. ..


Drowned.




An extremely duh foto of me getting into foto formation with my swim cap worn sooo high it looks dumb on me.

Team NTU Lifesaving at National Stillwaters Championships 2007, Kallang Basin Swimming Complex...


and now! the unglam fotos of me slacking at Sentosa for the National Openwater Championships, where i had NO events. so shiok! haha




he was so sweet he even took me sleeping in 2 different angles. awwwww...


watching watever thats happening with great anticipation, with a grouchy pretty swim babe beside me.. haha..

had a great season this year, considered its my virgin season in LS.. am gonna train up and go in with a bang next season! haha

thats all for now...

tobias!

i miss my second sister's second kid... tobias is his name. he has to be the chattiest and cutest and most adorable 3.5 month old boy ever ever ever in this world! i haven seen him in 2 weeks, starting to miss him already... ok here are the fotos of him when i last saw him.

looking bored.. here comes my dad to entertain him..

nice old man!!... hee

haha this old man is sooo silly looking!

awwww aint this lil baby just sooooo cute when he laughs!!!

falling asleep in my arms after a dinner-time's worth of fun..
i want a baby of my own too!

more fotos!

haha got someone see me no up, cannot take fotos wor.. hehe. some more of my fireworks foto shots edited. had to crop out sections of it cos the rest of it were like juz covered with smoke from the exploded fireworks. sooo ugly! :(

early morning, ancient thoughts...

am supposed to be studying, but ended up reading the blogs of others.. actually been monitoring someone's blog for a while already, for what i read in the blog was rather worrying..

she has been attached for quite a while already, though i dunno if she is happily attached or not.. but everytime i see her, she always seem to be ok with him.. but then, deep down inside her heart, there is this person whom she is unable to let go. we all know that after a r/s is over, yes its better to just let it go, but often we fail to realise that the harder we try to let it go, the harder the memories just cling on to you. it took me twice as long as my previous r/s to get over it, and her previous relationship was for a few years. i cant blame her that it will still hurt, but i am just really worried for her. cos on the outside she seems soo fine, unaffected by anything. but deep inside she is being torn apart by her feelings, by her thoughts of the past, by everything bout the old guy.. i dunno why, but it really hurts me so to see her in that manner. maybe it might be coz i was in her shoes just till very recently....?

and then there is another girl whom i recently got to knw, stumbled on her blog too. she is also in similar shoes, haunted by memories of a recent past, of a guy whom had apparently hurt her a lot, but whom she still is a friend of. maybe she is too nice a girl, too easily forgiving, maybe she is a girl that is unwilling to let go of a sweet past. maybe she is just a confused girl. but 1 thing's for sure. when u break up with a person, there is very very little possibilty that you will be alright with the other ex-half. it will always be painful to talk to her, no matter how long. every word will bring back painful memories. and those painful memories will dig into you like no other pain. slow, dull, ache, but so intense it will juz burn u alive.

we cant change what happens to the past. the memories of the past will always be a part of you. but at the end of the day, it all boils down to what we want to do with those memories. the harder you try to get rid of something, the more it will stick to you like a stubborn stain. no amount of scrubbing can get it off. it is what you do with the memories thats inside you. its how you want yourself to feel when you have such memories hitting you. you can either take it in your stride, look at it, laugh it off, and move on. or we could take the road well troddened, and wallow in our own self pity. it often sounds silly, but its really the most effective way of reacting to certain things..

and yes, the past can do certain things to you. like make you fearful of the future. make you unwilling to try out a new relationship. make you wanna juz stay alone for the rest of your life. but it is often quite impossible to, for loneliness will just hit you so hard in the face the pain's just gonna cause a dull ache all the way down to your heart...

and to the first girl, if you are ever reading this, you made a promise to me to talk to me bout your problems, please remember to talk to me alright! i am always around..

time to hit my books again. gosh its 05:46hrs.

wonderful moments, captured.

was talking to mike (SDC Eng Sup) bout photography on sunday, and were doing some photoshopping to the pictures that he took.. cut away some stuff, and it actually turned out to be rather nice. din know i have such talent.. haha so nice to have a good DSLR like his... i also want!!

first 2 were taken by him at his house, overlooking the chinese garden.. the next 2 wer

e taken by me during the recent fireworks festival, while i was higggggh up over the floating platform...

and i think i should really tryyyyyyy to concentrate on my lab.. i am like getting nowhere with the stupid lab.. no idea what to do also. crap. FOCUS FOCUS!

random fotos.. random thoughts...

some random tank shots of my pride and joy at home.. getting to be quite a drag to do things to it, cos its like not much i can do to it already.. and i dun wanna spend too much money to get new stuff.. think i am like turning into a miser... not wanting to spend money on my own hobby.. haiz.

some tank shots. 2 different views. first one from the main door and the second one from the living room. hmmm. no photoshops at all.

new fishes the last weekend, but not welcomed at all. hope they will be fine... hehe.





and the dang loneliness is murdering me.. slowly and steadily.... argh!

a day wasted, or a day well spent?

i spent the whole of last night doing everything but studying, when my intentions to stay in hall was to study, BUT I DIN GET ANYTHING DONE. nevermind, slept at 6 cos i decided that i am sleepy, woke up only at 12! goodness me. went out to clementi to get some fishie stuff to help my sister redo her tank, cos she described it till its in a doomsday manner.. which i discovered otherwise...

waited for my frens to come pick me up, stated was 1415hrs, but i was only picked up at 1515hrs. i juz floated from 1 end of clementi to another to while away my time. haiz. went to coral farm to see fish, ended up buying 2 percs.. which after dumping into my tank, they got pretty badly welcomed by my monsters..

went to my sis's place to get her tank done up, and the fotos of the fireworks i took the last fireworks festival. had dinner at amk Pepper Lunch (steak and chicken combo) and caught some fireworks too. came back only to discover out of 200 fotos there is only 1 nice one. haiz. i suck in fireworks photography.

and all this time i could have spent it studying! was it better that i took time off from work to keep meself sane, or was it juz simply time wasted... i cant decide.

and worse of all, i gotta worry for my 2 new entries into my tank.. hope they dun get killed by my monster tangs.. the 2 new percs are such wonderful creatures... :(

crap. i hate it when i am in such a situation. and i gotta work tomorrow too.. no make it later. haiz.

The Last Man on Earth...

Did a test. results as follows. might account for my... experiences now. hahaha! intriguing results though. haha

The Last Man on Earth (Random Brutal Sex Dreamer)
Shit, rejected again. You are The Last Man on Earth.
Sorry, but most women would rather see the human species wither to an end—and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have—than sleep with you.
We've learned the following: you don't think things through. You're haphazard. You're dangerous. You're somewhat inexperienced. It's totally obvious that you're a horny bugger, as well. Everybody knows that and steers clear.
To top things off, when you do find your way into a relationship, you tend to be a dick somewhere down the line and fuck it all up.
There's a small, but negligible, chance we're wrong. In any case, your friends find your shit hilarious. There's nothing cooler than a dude reducing himself to human rubble.

Tin Tin get-together...

after much planning and contributions by our pageant contestant M2, had our first Tin Tin makan session on tuesday... marinated e stuff and tried adding something new.. glad it actually turned out quite well, or so they said.. think they were being a lil nice. haha..








ate like a pig that night, turned into a pig after dat.. haha.. but no regrets! ate till i almost popped..

the gay gayyy me...

this is up on my msn display, and i just hafta share it with the rest who doesnt have my msn or didnt notice it. i think i look damn shuai in this foto.





i am losing it. i am turning gayyy. any girl out there willing to straighten me out?

haiz..