maybe all i am looking for is just a reassurance that the past will not happen again. the pain and agony, the miserable, lonely nights i spent alone, smoking, thinking, drinking, crying, trying to forget. the times where i had no one to turn to, to talk to.
maybe that is too much to ask for. maybe that is unfair to the girl. but i know for sure that, i will only be with someone when i am able to trust her totally, to believe in everything that she says. to know that she will not do anything funny behind my back. to not go out for dinner one day with a guy, and come back to initiate a breakup with me. but please understand, that i need a very strong reason to be able to trust you to that extent. i need, maybe more then a strong reason, to do so.
maybe everytime i bring up that other 2 guys, is cos i was looking for a reassuring reply from you. that will convince me that you are actually not even vaguely considering them as options too. so you have a lot of guy friends, so do i have a lot of female friends. i am not gonna stop you from going out with them, everyone deserves their own lives. but, are you able to reassure me?
call me insecure. call me selfish. call me weak. call me anything you wish to. i am just a scarred man. deep inside. the such wounds run sooo deep, it never really heals properly. i just need time. i need a much stronger reassurance than in the past. i need to be convinced that girls are juz creatures that will run away from me after a while. i am too boring and too poor to keep their attentions for long. yes, i am no longer confident of anything at all. of any relationships anymore.
i went through much more then hell the last 2 years. i am not interested to go through that again. and i am not looking for a girlfriend anymore. girlfriends dont last. they come and go. i am looking for something that will stay. with me. for life. through thick and thin, everyting that coms my way, that i can trust that she will always remain on my side.
words are juz things you say. words are just words. actions are wat that matters. actions speak louder than words. you can say that if i am not worth your wait, you wont even be with me. if so, why do you say that you are wasting time wit me? i donno. maybe its time you think about it. deeper. if i am really worth your time. worth your wait. it could be a 10 year wait. even possibly longer.
i am not gonna let women ruin this new chapter of my life. as how it did to the last chapter of mine. everything else is secondary. work is primary. i will give up everything on the r/s part to make sure my life is not messed up. ever again.
i am not pushing you away. you are 1 person that can tahan my crap, my quirks. i miss u to bits. there are times when i wanna tell u how much i yearn for you. but i hold them all back, for the fear that if i say those things to you, i might trip over and fall into the same pithole as last time again.
call me selfish. maybe i am. but its all just for self preservation.
