complicated simplicities.

its amazing, how something so simple, can get so complicated..

its something that everyone, no matter how much that some refuse it, wants it deep down inside them. its something that almost no one in the world can do without.

maybe i have been hurt too deeply, maybe i have be scorned too hard.
maybe i have been in a situation so familiar and yet so painful, that i dont wish to be in that situation again.
there are days so often now, that i get so busy there is often no time for me to think, but there will be days that it just hits me so hard, that i am unsure of whatever i am thinking. unsure of myself, and the dull throbbing ache just comes right back to me.

yes, i wish to be able to cuddle with someone again. able to hold her hands and feel the warmth of her in my palms. able to look into her eyes and tell her how much i love her. how much i wish to be part of her. there are days that i wish that there will be a someone for me to look forward to, to make my day not so much of a drag. there are days that i wish that that would be someone to share the cake that i am eating. to eat from the same cup of ice cream that i am eating. to just have a nice, quiet dinner with. there are days when i wish that there is someone to share her day with me, no matter how bad or how good, and let me feel how she is feeling.

but no, right now i am unable to picture myself holding another girl's hands in romance. though i know that somewhere inside my heart its telling me to just go ahead, but what is stopping me? i dont know. past scars maybe. traumatising it is has been to me. commitment-phobia? not likely. confused? probably. weighed down by personal problems and issues. definitely. too much things coming my way, too little capabilites to handle them all. and all i wish is that someone is there for me to just be with at the end of a tough day, to make me feel loved all over again. to make me feel that someone in this world actually cares for me again.

how painful can it get, to just want to feel loved again, and yet on the inside, you are torn up, there is a nail embedded too deep in your hard, cold heart, that you are unable to dig out. and all that i wish for, is the ability to love someone again. with all my heart. is it just a simple case of holding back? or is it just fear. i have no idea.

right now you are someone that has appeared in my life, that i feel that might actually light up my path again. to bring me out of the gloominess that i am in. but i, am unable to say anything to you, to tell you how i feel. maybe i still dont know you long enough, maybe its just a crush. i have no idea. but there is a huge part of me telling me no.

and it is actually a very simple thing. its either to stay single or get attached.

ciggrettes are still my best friend. it creates no complicated simplicities...