a disappointment.

its really shocking. maybe i haven been back home long enough, maybe i haven been spending enough time with them. maybe i haven been really fulfilling what i am supposed to be doing as a son. but i never recalled my dad being so shrivelled. he has shrunk to all skin and bone, he is so thin now. he used to be buff enough to carry my nephew on his shoulders. he looks so much different now. so aged. and at his age of 64, he is still working. getting himself injured at work, having a hairline crack at his hip cos some dumb fuck kid rode a bike into him. all just trying to earn a living to support this house. and his car. and his mother who stays in a nursing home. and he is earning peanuts from his long hours of work.

and my mum. all the 15 hour days of hard labour at work, carrying things a third of her weight, is not helping her at all. she woke up at 2.45 am in the morning asking me to help her massage her arm cos she injured it at work, and its not recovering. and its hurting so bad she cant sleep. and juz roaming around the house, i saw a foto of her taken 4 years ago. maybe less. she looks totally different now. sunken. flappy skin at her arms not cos she is fat, but cos she lost so much weight.

and all of this is just for the simple fact, money. till now they have to work for money to make ends meet. barely meet. and it totally tears me up that i am unable to help them out. there is no way i can put the ache that is inside my heart out in words. its too overwhelming for words. and to think back on the years that i have let them down with my schwork. with my fucked up results. never did they once scold me for it. they just go, "as long as u tried your best, its ok." but did i really try my best? never. and when i wanna do it now, its a little too late. i am struggling with everything cos my basics are too fucked up. and i am putting in more then i ever did in my whole damn life of studying, and its not really working. but maybe, i am not putting enough.

all i wanna do is just to get out of sch. get a job. and ease their load. so they can really enjoy their retirement age. but can i really give them a good retirement life like i wished them to have? i dunno. not in the next few years. money earned is gonna just be fuck little.

and who is to be blamed? me. i just hate myself for being a burden to them. for being such a disappointment in life. it just sucks.

Why is this world just all bout money?

ah fuck.