The EggYolk.

Is it the beginning of a new day? Or is it the end of just another day? I dunno.

I got so much in my mind lately. Its just so different being officially employed, and being a student. Its so hard to get expelled out of school, but it seems so easy to get fired. Especially in my office. I just seem to see people leaving. I just watched a very hardworking man walk out of the office on Monday afternoon. He was told to leave, without any reason. Its 10 days away from Christmas. He was 3 weeks away from confirmation. He was so hardworking. He is no longer employed by Extron.

Do I even dare to say anything in the office? I dont. There are comments that I cannot make, things that I have in my head that cannot come out.I hate this feeling. This is not me. Not at all. People making stupid suggestions, and I just have to execute them. People who are absolutely inefficient in work, and she has been there for over 4 years, while a man 5 months old, super hardworking, cant be any more willing to learn, or extend out a helping hand, has to leave. And my engineer counterpart, he just has to let me cover more and more shit for him. He is 38, and he doesnt behave like one. The sense of responsibility just seems to elude him. I just cant imagine he made that mistake today. Even some people cant believe it.

I am having so little appetite nowadays. I just dont feel like eating anymore. Food used to turn me right on, I will do anything to eat. It seems that I am just hiding away and away from it nowadays. I feel hungry, but I dont feel like eating. I feel stifled, encroached, alienated, at home. I feel out of place, weird, at work, where everyone seems to be my enemy. I have a lot of pent up frustrations. I dunno what to do with it. How I wish I can just be a girl, and let it all out, by crying. Nope, I got my manly pride stopping me from doing that.

And so, the next day comes, and I head to work, knowing that I have to put in my best in the company, fight for what I want in my life. And knowing full well that I might just be the nxt person walking out.

Enough of bad thoughts. Before this blog becomes one that I turn to whenever I am down...

Things I wanna do in 2009:

1. Go Redang, and maybe Australia.

2. Complete Sundown Marathon 42km,

3. Complete Standard Chartered 42km

4. Start training for Singapore Bi 2010, and ultimately Aviva Ironman 2013.

5. Work hard. Get as many Certifications as possible.

Seems weird really, work used to be my priority. The first thing I think about. And now, its the 5th thing I thought about.

Something is wrong. I dunno myself anymore.

call me selfish.

maybe all i am looking for is just a reassurance that the past will not happen again. the pain and agony, the miserable, lonely nights i spent alone, smoking, thinking, drinking, crying, trying to forget. the times where i had no one to turn to, to talk to.

maybe that is too much to ask for. maybe that is unfair to the girl. but i know for sure that, i will only be with someone when i am able to trust her totally, to believe in everything that she says. to know that she will not do anything funny behind my back. to not go out for dinner one day with a guy, and come back to initiate a breakup with me. but please understand, that i need a very strong reason to be able to trust you to that extent. i need, maybe more then a strong reason, to do so.

maybe everytime i bring up that other 2 guys, is cos i was looking for a reassuring reply from you. that will convince me that you are actually not even vaguely considering them as options too. so you have a lot of guy friends, so do i have a lot of female friends. i am not gonna stop you from going out with them, everyone deserves their own lives. but, are you able to reassure me?

call me insecure. call me selfish. call me weak. call me anything you wish to. i am just a scarred man. deep inside. the such wounds run sooo deep, it never really heals properly. i just need time. i need a much stronger reassurance than in the past. i need to be convinced that girls are juz creatures that will run away from me after a while. i am too boring and too poor to keep their attentions for long. yes, i am no longer confident of anything at all. of any relationships anymore.

i went through much more then hell the last 2 years. i am not interested to go through that again. and i am not looking for a girlfriend anymore. girlfriends dont last. they come and go. i am looking for something that will stay. with me. for life. through thick and thin, everyting that coms my way, that i can trust that she will always remain on my side.

words are juz things you say. words are just words. actions are wat that matters. actions speak louder than words. you can say that if i am not worth your wait, you wont even be with me. if so, why do you say that you are wasting time wit me? i donno. maybe its time you think about it. deeper. if i am really worth your time. worth your wait. it could be a 10 year wait. even possibly longer.

i am not gonna let women ruin this new chapter of my life. as how it did to the last chapter of mine. everything else is secondary. work is primary. i will give up everything on the r/s part to make sure my life is not messed up. ever again.

i am not pushing you away. you are 1 person that can tahan my crap, my quirks. i miss u to bits. there are times when i wanna tell u how much i yearn for you. but i hold them all back, for the fear that if i say those things to you, i might trip over and fall into the same pithole as last time again.

call me selfish. maybe i am. but its all just for self preservation.

slogging away

and i just finished national lifesaving championships, still waters segment yesterday. and i concluded i am too old to do anything anymore. except to work. no longer can i put in my best for anything after work already.

work's been quite demoralising recently. my supervisor is passing me over for simple stuff. like what the hell. testing a simple unit, i cant even do? gotta get a more snr person to do? come on la. what is he trying to say to me.

and life outside work and training? almost nothing. i barely got time for myself. all i wanna do is juz walk around sg and take fotos.

and i miss the sun. will the sun juz come out next week onwards?

haiz.

its not so bad.

i am tired.

exams over. did alright. though i felt i could have done way better den wat my current results are. but thats not the end.

plenty of assignments and presentation trainings coming up. got a lot to prepare, to do. so please dun thnk i am being slack when i dun turn up for trainings. i barely got time for myself.

i am very tired. my damn groin hurt.

argh.

bye bye YT.

i lost the oldest fish in my tank today. he was bout 6 yrs old. he has been with me for over 2 years. he went thru thick and thin. countless rescapes and dirty waters. he had only the best to eat for the last 2 over years. and he left me today for fishie kingdom. I will miss you.

and its quite disheartening to see the corals in my tank not doing well. the lack of attention for my tank is taking its toll. not only on corals, but on my wallet too. :( juz posted up a sales thread in SRC, and i shall judge from the response of the thread, to see if i should decomm a not.

anyway i have plugged in my FR again, to see if it is indeed phosphate problems causing all the deaths. or could it be my lack of feeding.

this is confusing. should i decom? or should i not? haiz.

getting slow. already fat.

haiz. i need to start to train more. i cant swim anymore! booo. sucky time trial timing. cant even get my legs to move more. crap.

got a busy nxt few weekends coming up: (this is just to remind myself)

1. 080808: Sani's Wedding. Gotta go down after work.
2. 090808: Fireworks phototaking.
3. 100808: Convo gown phototaking with hall 12 peeps (KIV)
4. 150808: Final Exam Part 1: 100 MCQ.
5. 160808: JiaHao's wedding. Whole day event.
6. 170808: Studying for exams.
7. 180808: Final Exam Part 2: System Validation. Final Exam Part 3: System Design.
8. 21-220808: Train the Trainer Course. Gotta prepare for presentations. ARGHHHHH.
9. 220808: ESCO family day. Whyyyyy must i go run!!!
10. 230808: Helping Mike with his project.

and i am quite sure i left something out. cant think of wat i left out. but i cant be bothered to think anymore. i am tired! and of course, not to mention that i got plenty of trainings coming up. ARGH. for once i actually hope that i dun get into the team. at least i got more time for myself. and my deteriorating fish tank. haiz.

i am backkkkkkk!

ok. i know, it might seem that my blog is dead. but seriously, i barely got enough time to sit down at my lappie to just try to update anything here. work's been torturous. why do i still have to go through another bout of studying right after i completed my previous education? and the passing mark is like, crazy. 80%. wth.

plenty of things happened. good things first:

1. MY WRIST IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME TO GYM AGAIN!!!!
2. I GOT A NEW BABY!

not so good things:

1. i need to work on my photography skills. i am just not doing something right.
2. i am running out of cash. wth. time to start working on my finances.
3. i need to start running. my tummy seems to be softening. bad.
4. i need a new pair of working shoes.

dang, i cant remember anything now. and blogger is being nasty to me. more updates coming!
ok. i shall upload one foto every post. in honour of my new darling. =)

tired

i always thought i could handle this. work in the day, train in the night.

for the last 3 weeks i have been reaching home like around midnight, slping around 2, waking up at 7 for work. i am tired. i think.

and i juz got a new brand of contacts today. i bloody hope dat this will be the end of days where i have to scrub my contacts to remove cataract quality protein b4 wearing them daily.

hope i can get to learn more at work. its so slow now. argh.

TGIW!

thank god its weekend!

i now fully understand how come its so important to for working people to cherish their weekends. its so damn bloody precious.

first week at work. very slow week. doing so much reading and gotta take a 100 mcq test some more. passsing mark for me is 85%. which is like wtf. so high i dun even dare to take the test even though i read e course materials twice already.

work hard! u might get rewarded.

a happening past 7 days..

major activity 1:

went for reservist from 2 june to 7 june. did a lot of sai kang there. stood in as acting CQ. not very glamourous. but it does give me certain privilleges. like sitting in the driver cabin of the tonner, without hving to squeeze into the back.

major activity 2:

cleared my last exams in NTU. results better den i expected this semester juz passed. but overall degree was still a pass with merit. considered pretty good, given that i failed 13 modules overall in the 4 years.
and i still managed to graduate within 4 years.
if i did work harder from year 2 onwards, results would definitely have been better.

major activity 3:

MJ in my own house!
ok this sounds really trival, but i have a mother that strictly forbids MJ in the house, cos she considers it a form of PURE gambling. which i seriously beg to differ. MJ is half brains half luck. money is juz an incentive. but then, its still shiok. a breakthru, to play in my own house.


upcoming activities:

1. sending my peeps off to their grad trip which i was supposed to join them for, but did not in the end.

2. starting work nxt monday. scary thought, its like venturing into the unknown. but its also opportunities aplenty. gonna definitely work hard. strike it out there. do it good.

TCM

i never ever knew that i could actually hurt so much i feel like puking for the nxt half hour after that.

i never knew that i would ever experience so much pain my heart almost stopped. seriously.

i never knew that pain could be so unbearable, but i cant scream, cos its totally unmanly to do so.

and i never knew clipping a damn manakin would pop my wrist bone out of the socket.

i juz hope tomorrow's X-RAY doesnt tell me i got a broken bone or something.

and i think i am gonna miss NUS invitational, cos of my stupid hand.

FUCK.

(and dun go on bout my hand saying i got it from PCC or i should chop it off. i have had enough of such shid already.)

grey's

I SO LOVE GREY'S.

and if you still dun understand the reason why i love grey's, or if u r still in active denial that grey's is a series worthy of your time, take at least some time to check out the link below.

its super awesome dat grey's have such a wonderful team of writers working on the script.

simply awesome.

http://www.greyswriters.com/

thanks JY for the link. =)

maybe

i might be missing u.

i think.

stop appearing in my dreams. its freaky.

we eat harder then we train

There is nothing much to blog about my life lately, when its just simply sleeping and watching downloaded stuff and roaming around at home, and doing nothing, and watching my wrist just get worse and worse, even when i already stopped aggravating it. argh.

Went Tung Lok Seafood at East Coast Park today for lunch buffet with the team. and seriously, we ate like we haven had a good proper meal for the last 2 months. The damn table was sooo flooded with food, its appalling. at least to me. and i can no longer eat like the past.

Food Food Glorious Food. and its only only the first round out of subsequent many...

the man who can just eat and eat and eat. and not grow fat at all. Disgusting.

The plate dat ended the whole event. 30 egg tarts.

Half the team ( i think its half, maybe lesser ) that was present today. the people that makes trainings so much more bearable and enjoyable. and gives me the true motivation to train hard, for something.

and yes i am the one taking the fotos.

seriously

8 lanes underwater.

izzt so hard to follow just 1 lane?

the blue line's sooo damn thick and obvious, and YOU ALL can juz keep zig zagging from lane 2 - 4, and back. so bloody inconsiderate.

Libra

Every adolescent Libran's fantasy is to find the Prince or Princess of their dreams. As their lives unfold, the experiences, false starts, dramas, broken hearts and disillusionment they encounter seeking this personal Holy Grail, often shapes their futures in the most extra-ordinary manner. Love and love-lost makes a big difference to the Libran although their often happy-go-lucky appearance against all kinds of odds may not reveal this as fact.

Librans can switch off from the world around then and during these periods much more occurs on the deep innermost levels of the Libran's psyche, than their closest companions imagine. Many Librans after establishing a lifestyle that somehow falls short of their childhood dreams, manage to conjure up a most independent life and keep up an image of being dedicated to a "close relationship". They can escape into obscure role playing - and often this makes them extremely successful business people. When it comes to romance and love, Librans can be difficult to fathom yet in business many Librans discover they can not only be creative, but it provides an opportunity to express the more diverse sides to their personalities. Their charm can win jobs and provides powerful friends. But in both work and play, looking for peace and harmony, Librans often say "yes" when they should be saying "no".

It is a sad fact about many a Libran's personal or business lives to say - many would have faired far better had they remained alone! But for those Librans who do find their secret dream and meet up with their Prince or Princess, that's another story! You'll find them living in some exotic, distant beautiful place, probably running the local bar or restaurant, designing the beach or ski gear, looking wonderful, sipping cocktails and finding life to be the total paradise they knew it could be. What Librans always have to remember when looking to fulfil their dreams is they should never undermine their own integrity and hold out until their dreams do come true - not simply take whatever is offered.

after 2 weeks...

finally i think my room looks a lil decent now. though its only quite half packed. heh. but i quite find it rather comfy, after adding a huge corkboard (which is actually quite lousy, but it costs 16 bucks. so i aint gonna complain too much) and rearranging some stuff here and there.













my corkboard still looks rather empty, so i plastered my training regimes onto it big big to take up some space. shall find something nice to attach onto it tomorrow.

still gotta DIY a small rack for my extension cord on my table, and find something to decorate the wall on the side of my bed.

oh and i think my night light is shoooooooooooooo nice! hahaa! i insist on slping with the light on, even though my mum thinks its an absolute waste of money to be doing so.

ok, more fotos once i do up my room more. hehe.

happy night!

F.O.O.S

i juz did 2km on my treadmill. oh and i almost died.

shid. and treadmills are supposed to be easier to run than on normal roads.

seriously, i am so gonna fail my coming IPPT. which is like, 3 weeks aways. exactly 3 weeks away.

SHID.

i am gonna run twice a day. morning and night.

F.O.O.S. FREAKING OUT OF SHAPE.

fug.

mystery wrist

how did i even injure my right wrist in the first place? i cant think of anything i did to injure it, or even put it to any remote form of harm. its so irritating.

its been steadily getting worse over the last 3 days. now i cant rotate it sideways, or pull my thumb, without feeling as though the whole wrist is being ripped right off my arm.

i cant gym. i cant do statics. i am growing fat.

fuck.

EMO?

Totally.

control.

i am losing my temper so much more often now.

ok so i got an entire mouth full of ulcers. but dat is so totally not a good reason for me to flare up like anything.

control. i need control.

else i will end up like the 2 old ones in e family. no, i am not gonna end up like them.

control.

its been a long tiring week

plenty happened since the last entry. and here's a summary for my own keepsake..

26th - 27th April:
Moved back home from hall. Took me 2 trips in the morning. picked up my expensive chiller and my spoilt nephew along e way back. packed my room for the nxt 2 days, trashed at least 3 trashbags full of stuff from my room.
Took care of my nephew and missed my Jazz-By-The-Beach chillout session with my teammates cos i cant leave my nephew with my dad, cos he was too cranky and might take it out on my nephew.

28th April:
Went to swim, doodled all day doing nothing. got a new pair of shoes. went to the library to borrow books to read. Doesnt sound much, but really, it pretty much shagged me out.

29th April:
The most disastrous job interview with a company's CEO. totally unforgiving. it's been bugging me ever since. how i managed to fuck it up so bad. how i managed to be so crappy. so lousy. intimidated. and its digging a piece of me outta it the last 2 days. will talk bout it in detail the nxt entry.

30th April:
Back to hall to return my keys. dropped by NIE gym in the morning. I am so gonna miss that place. Waited an hour for Clemence to play MJ. and dat retarded CHT won so much money, i think he should be shot. Came back home, supposedly for dinner, to have my mum finish up my dinner, leaving me with nothing, and typing this entry now.

oh seriously, life aint dat bad. really. i mean, its juz a wednesday night. its a PH tomorrow. I am like at home, doing nothing, being hungry. being cranky.

it aint so bad. cup's half full!

BAH.

confused

which one should i accept?

a company i've been wif for 3 years, who is offering me peanuts.

or a new company which is offering me even more peanuts basic, but an attractive incentive?

or should i just bloody go join the police force?

decisions decisions decisions.

i bloody hate growing up.

never think out loud.

4 years ago, i never thought out loud. and pple taught me to do so, so at least they would know wats going on in my head.

and when i finally learn to do so, i figured out something.


thinking out loud is a sign of weakness.


never never think out loud. never never portray a sign of weakness. it pisses pple off.

look far.

the horizon is far. the road is bumpy. but u will get there, no matter how u do it.


ok i was trying to make it rhyme. weak attempt. but i juz like e foto.




















FE1001 Physics 1 tomorrow. hope i dun bao it again. i am so sick and tired of the module already.

first up!

EE4040 Engineers and Society.

15 April 2008, 0900-1100 hrs, D0073.

and maybe

its important to remember this:


Don't Let Someone Be A Priority In Your Life When You Are Simply An Option In Theirs.

just bloody wake up, Colin Soon. wake up.


miss no one, for no one is worth missing. u r not a priority, so why make her a priority. she is not.

sometimes i do...

ok, this never never ever fails to crack me up.

try find me.

find me.

haha!

blardy eye.

it was like the closest i have ever felt to losing an eye. it was a normal day, i juz wore my contacts 2-3 hours longer den the stipulated time. i took it out, it felt dat i ripped my cornea out along with it. teared non stop from the left eye, i think i wet my pillow with it the whole night.

its more comfy to have my eye open den close, but to do so i gotta manually pry my eyelids open. sleeping is a pain, and my eyeball was sooo puffed up i thought it would really burst anytime, even if i touched it accidentally.

after 16 hours of continuous rest, its feeling normal again.

but wtf la. wasted so much time sleeping.

fark.

i wont say !

the evils of wahjong

its like the most sinful game ever ever ever to be created online. and to be made free for use to everyone.

mahjong is already a bad enough game to be played, and to play it online, its bad, bad, commercialised gambling on a global scale. its detrimental for the young population of the world now, to be exposed to such games at such an early age, especially with almost every household in singapore connected to the world wide web.

i love that game. i cant stop playing it. shid.

i might really really have to throw away the lappie to stop myself from playing.

options aplenty.

options aplenty. refers to everything, jobs, friends, games, even schwork. so much shid around, u dun even know watever's right for you.

been staying in the games room in a valiant attempt to try to get to study for the last few days, ok, did succeed in catching up on some work, BUT i need to start to work on my past year papers. not much time left, and considering that my papers are all packed up one after another. NO TIME NO TIME!

and here's the game plan for the next 3 weeks:

15 April 2008
EE4040 Engineers and Society

16 April 2008
CS119 Fictional Film: From Hollywood to Bollywood.

17 April 2008
BS803 Science or Fiction? Biology in Popular Media.

18 April 2008
FE1001 Physics 1 (PAIN IN THE BLOODY ASS)

21 April 2008
EE4001 Software Engineering

25 April 2008
EE4902 Design of Medical Information Processing Systems

and then its freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!

hahaha but then, its to start looking for a job already! and nobody has really gotten back to me yet. its like nobody wans me. :(

confessions of love

XP finally confessed his feelings for me.

He sent me this song. SEE JY! he is not just yours.


its our childhood days love song. haiiii.

(you gotta click on the box below b4 u see something)

and it suddenly occurs to me..

that shit is starting to hit the fan.

and its being sprayed all over the room. splattering right into my eyes. blurring all vision.

I GOT SO MUCH THINGS TO DO B4 EXAMS!

and not to mention, the decision of whether to go for the grad trip and put my performance at NUS invitational at risk? or abandon the one and only chance i have left to go on a trip with the hall guys, and train up just for the one day?

decisions decisions decisions.

can i live with 2 weeks of fun, and 1 day's disgrace?

or can i live with 2 weeks of regret, and 1 day's honour?


someone, please, advice me. asap.

Creativity

The Height of Creativity Comes At The Peak of Boredom. I Am Usually Creative.



- Lim Woo Ping Wilfred -

the prelude of doom?

28 days to exams. and i am not in the mood at all to study.

and i got 1 report left to rite, another to edit, 1 demo to do. 6 modules totally UNREVISED.

now now, how am i gonna die?

someone has gotta drag me to study.

gossips makes the world go round..

now now, i was just thinking. why do pple gossip. why do pple like to talk bout others behind their backs, even though the pple's actions totally DO NOT concern them.

juz gotta say, those pple who gossip are sad pple. they dun haf enough conversational skills or content to keep a conversation going. any conversation. that they have to bring in gossip and watever not, to spice up the conversations.

i mean, its ok to talk bout pple, if the things and actions they did or are doing, affects u. directly or indirectly. but, talking bout pple's love lives? bout pple's interests? what they think bout other people? seriously, its quite obvious they things they do or think do not affect u. unless u r pissed jealous bout e person.


but, its quite sad really. those pple.


you all need help. professional help.

So Close

You're in my arms
And all the world is gone
The music playing on
For only two
So close together

And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching
That famous happy and
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are
So close...

Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We're so close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...

problem

i just realised something bout myself. it could be true.

I think it is.

no matter who comes along, i just have to pick on the nitty gritty stuff of the person. this not good, that not good.


maybe thats why the One might never come along.

hmmm.

monday night jetty..

went bedok jetty after appreciation night just now. needed to clear my mind of some stuff. exams coming, deadlines coming, i cannot slack anymore. i cannot let anything bog me down anymore. i need to get my ass moving again. its been stagnant since a month ago.

its really a very very very nice feeling to be there again. walking in the night, listening to the waves beat against the shore, juz strolling down the empty running track. thinking. its super nice a feeling.

but why is it that i din manage to clear much outta my head? i dun even know for sure what to clear out of my head first. i dont even knw for sure wat to do. its like, there is something inside, but i cant find anything there. weird. i am a confused kid.

and its super sweet to see couples, married, middle aged couples to be strolling down the same stretch of road i was walking, hand in hand, just chatting, smiling, looking at each other. 4 couples i saw. at 12 midnight. just spending time with each other there. oh how i so envy them. when will i find such a someone?

bottomline for now: DONT LOOK FOR ANYONE. DO WAT IS IMPORTANT NOW. STUDIES. its the final sem. better not mess it up.

oh, congrats to JY on your new status. time to be more sensible already. haha.

and i am free.. for now

i got my product stablised on thursday night. i got my report done on friday 5 am.

its nw left to refine it. plenty to refine, bt i got 3 weeks.

2 more lab reports left, and i am set for exams.

and an FYP demostration.

and an FYP oral presentation.


hmmmm.

beginning of the end

its gonna be end of a chapter in my life. the ending of uni life.

its been a good 4 years. all the fun that i had, all the misery that came along with it. those whom i really talked to will only know how much pain i went thru in the last academic year.

but i learnt a lot of things in this 4 years. much more then i would have anywhere else. to think back about wat pple told me when i first entered hall 12 as a confident, driven person willing to try out new stuff. "the way you do things, its not the tradition of hall 12. its sure to piss off a lot of snrs in hall". i still remember who told me, where it was told to me.

year 2 was more fun then year 1, responsibilities still the same. year 3, decided to step up to take over a post nobody was willing to take over. and its been a downhill ever since. the downhill was steep enough for me to crash and burn, to juz kill away the overwhelming passion i had for the hall. seen a lot of things that year too. seen how pple whom i tot would believe and trust in me, trusted rumours and gossips and badmouthing. i guess the truth is no match for juicy rubbish. but i also found a small handful of people who stood by me. trusting me. and i am beyond thankful for those people.

year 4, decided to step out to join the sch team. had so much fun with the team. there is no politics there. its just swim, swim, swim. train train train. its so much fun. and its also time to concentrate on studies. performed e best sem in the whole of my ntu life in year 4 sem 1. though i could have put in much much more effort. but i am not tuned to mugging, and there is only so much i can do. and to top it off, its Grey's Anatomy's fault. 2 seasons in 2 weeks of exams.

random thoughts again. not so much for others, more to jot down wats going on in my mind. wait till i got more time to organise my thoughts, i shall do it nicely.

last 2nd hall event tonight. exam supper.

last hall event next monday. appreciation night.

and it marks the end of my involvements in hall.

damn. why do i get this achy feeling in my heart. booo.

random thoughts.

i have this urge to blog something. everyone around me is rushing FYP report. i am not, cos i am stuck with mine. i cant do anymore till i get my final part working. LCD. and since i cant get it up, i cant do my report. meaning i will die this weekend. no life. haiz. meaning i am quite free now. shid.

love love love. its all around me recently. ok, so couples are forming up again. but its the single pple i been hearing from too. all the "what is love", "why love", and all the "i need love". when it comes it comes la. if it doesnt it doesnt. fate! dats wat i keep telling others. but its something i dun believe. haha. love is overrated.

i still cant picture myself holding hands with a girl and strolling down orchard road. walking down some scenic place with the "girl of my dreams" and stuff. its like. ewwww. i need to get used with shopping with girls. not that i mind doing that, but i really cant get used to it aymore. used to do it a lot, but no more. i need to get used to the fact dat i might have to factor into my life another person, and i cant go wherever i like, on an impulse, anymore.

but i still feel lonely. i yearn to have a feminine touch in my life. its too masculine now. boooo.

the magic number.

from 01 Feb 2008 to 01 March 2008

i spent $1082.89.

my greatest amount of spending by far in my life.

and its not on a lot of stuff. basic needs. so i went out to eat and enjoy a few times, but that amounted up to 300 max. so where did the rest go?

i am gonna starve for the nxt 3 months. dun ask me out.

i shall lead a sad, lonely life.

Letting Go?? Moving On??

i saw this question on my friend's msn nick today. and i had this compelling urge to present my interpretation of the meanings, which i failed pretty miserably. but i think my interpretations of them are pretty on the spot. took 23.8 yrs of my life to figure them out.....

a friend of mine, A, broke up from a relationship of 4 years over. A got together with another person, and their first anniversary is coming soon, if not already over. however, A still thinks bout the previous person. checks on the person's blog. friendster. and feels miserable when A sees the person with a new partner. goes to places where they used to frequent in their 4 years together, and feel really upset bout it.

has A let go? has A moved on? i personally feel that A has moved on, but A hasnt let go. if u did fully let go of something, you will not feel upset bout the person anymore. absolutely nothing will upset u. seeing the old person with someone new will not trigger a flood of emotions into u. going to places that the both of u used to frequent will not be stepping into emo land. so A has moved on, has gotten someone new. its good. Letting go of a 4 year relationship isnt gonna be easy. and it takes more then just a few months to let go. so u can move on, and not wallow in your own self pity, but it takes much more time for the internal wounds to heal.

so can u let go, and not move on? i think its possible. i think a living example is me. i have let go totally of my past r/s (after 15 months, wat a loser, i know). absolutely nothing (mark my words) can upset me bout it already. but i haven moved on yet. i am still afraid of wat a future r/s might bring to me. the pain, the sorrow, the despair. and so, i am potentially wallowing in my own self pity and fear, and refusing to move on, to take a step forward. and i always complain that i am gonna die single. which actually is my fault. own fault.

Moving on is important. more important then letting go. time will heal the pain, and when the pain goes away, u r letting go. by moving on, by allowing someone else into your life, u r allowing yourself a second chance in love, and the person will slowly, but surely, bring u out of the pain. hold your hands, and walk u out of the chains.

but if you dont move on, even if u have let go, so wat. u r caught in limbo. in the twilight zone. where the sun doesnt shine. its just empty. u have nothing holding u back, but there is nothing to look forward to. and u juz drown yourself in trainings, work, and more trainings, to take away the emptiness. to fill out the time. but of course, thats just me.

i am ranting. i duno if i make sense. i am sure i dun make sense. but wat the hell. if anyone wanna dispute, call me. at least it would take a lonely portion of my day out.

somebody just shoot me.

nostalgia

Verse 1
Lives are in the making here,
Hearts are in the waking here,
Mighty undertaking here,
Up and On!

We are arming for the fight,
Pressing on with all our might,
Pluming wings for higher flight,
Up and On!

(CHORUS)

Verse 2
Fair before us lies the way,
Time for work and time for play;
Fill the measure while we may,
Up and On!

Life and time will not delay,
Time is running fast away,
Life is now today; today;
Up and On!

(CHORUS)

Verse 3
Foes in plenty we shall meet,
Hearts courageous scorn defeat;
So we press with eager feet,
Up and On!

Ever onward to the fight,
Ever upward to the Light,
Ever true to GOD and RIGHT,
Up and On!

CHORUS
Up Boys!
truest fame
Lies in high endeavour;
Play the game!
keep the flame
Burning brightly ever!

catching up..

been catching up with a few people that i haven been chatting with for ages..

- L -
i feel horrible that you are in such a low state now.. when everything seems to be going not well for u, and everything seems to be just standing in your way.. but i am sure u will be able to pull out of this whole thing, being a better, stronger girl, which i know u r.

- TF -
u floorball addict. i shall forgive u for pretending not to see me at SRC that day. but u better have lunch with me soon. in case u forgot, u still owe me something. haha.


and i think i still find it the sweetest thing to watch people fall in love, and spend time with each other, enjoying each other's company. i think the sweetest thing of all is to be able to experience it yourself. the process of falling in love is soo wonderful, it simply blows your mind away. makes u feel soo.. invincible. like there is nothing in the world dat can bring u down.

hmm. when will i get it? hmmm.

Leona Lewis - I'm You

How many times
Are you gonna take it
Look in my eyes
Help me make this make sense

Night after night
You sat up and cried
Wondering when you're gonna see things clearer
You don't even realise
That at this very moment
You're talking to yourself in the mirror

It's true
So you think I'm strong but you're feelin that you're weak
Baby I'm you
But we're one in the same so you're just as strong as me
Baby I'm you
And we deserve better it's time for us to leave
You know what to do
Cause I'm not a fool
So neither are you
Baby I'm you

Oh you're not crazy
If only you'd realize

That you and I
Have all the help we need

So why are we sitting here on the floor
(listen to me)
We ain't cryin no more
I am your soul
I am your heart
My strength is yours (Oh my strength is yours)

Baby it's true
So you think I'm strong but you're feelin that you're weak
Baby I'm you
But we're one in the same so you're just as strong as me
Baby I'm you
And we deserve better it's time for us to leave
You know what to do
Cause I'm not a fool
So neither are you
Baby I'm you

So pick yourself up right now
We've been here too long
We've overstayed it enough
That might have been
It's been a long time gone

So wipe away the tears
Ain't nothing for us here
The time has come to move on

Oooohhhhhwwww

Baby we deserve better
And we're far too strong
To let this go on
Baby I'm you

So you think I'm strong but you're feelin that you're weak
Baby I'm you
But we're one in the same so you're just as strong as me
Baby I'm you
And we deserve better it's time for us to leave
You know what to do
Cause I'm not a fool
So neither are you

Baby I'm you [x3]





to you.

and to anyone else who is feeling weak. dejected. overwhelmed.

you are as strong as i am.

Lifehouse - Broken

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
[Broken lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you[Photo]







am i still holding on???

why does my heart still ache.

and it all goes to waste

i juz downgraded my system to an XP so that i could run a program. BUT. i cant fucking run it still.

FOR SOME UNKNOWN FUCKING REASON.

now am i pissed.

Jumper

awesomely cool movie.

dammit. how i wish i could be like him. anytime. anywhere.

it was nice meeting up after soooo long. haha.

stretched.

have you ever been had so many things to do, that you have taken a tat too much things for your own liking. and you want to do everything well. everything fast. everything your way. and everything that you want doesnt really happen?

i feel stretched. plenty of deadlines to meet.

argh.

LED LIGHT UP!!!!!!

why the bloody fuck wun you just light up.

WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.!!!!!!!!

bloody oscillator doesnt even wanna oscillate.


FUCKKKK.

Its a GO.

i have decided to take up the job.

its good money. and since my FYP is stuck, i think i should nt be e only one losing sleep and putting in all e effort.

and put my upcoming holidays to good use. instead of sleeping at home, i should go earn some money.

for the upcoming rainy days.

dun ask me why i am torturing myself. but yes. money is helluva important to me now.

wish me luck. hope i dun fuck up my last sem in ntu for that sum of money.

i am soooooo light!

this is gonna be the lightest i am ever gonna be. its worth taking a foto of my weight before it increases again. i am sooo gonna miss this number. haiz.

so it all falls into place...

and it all makes sense. why i feel so fucked up recently.

its all the couples i see. its all the people holding hands. its the season for new relationships. so many people getting together. so many people being so happily attached. all the smiles and love that i see and feel, its almost tangible.

and watching pple that you still have a soft spot for, being all so nice and comfy with others, and all u can do is juz to stand one side and watch. boy, does that suck. maybe its jealousy. maybe its happiness that i feel for them. maybe its the feeling of being left out. maybe its the feeling of not being able to be like them, being nice and comfy with each other. maybe its the impression that you will never be the one. maybe its all of the above, a pinch of this, a sprinkling of that. and it all adds up to a wonderful dish, well seasoned.

i like to represent my feelings with songs. but this feeling i have now, a blender-mix of it, i totally cant thnk of any song to represent.

listening to gary barlow's So Help Me Girl, and how how how how i wish there will be a someone there for me to sing it to. haha. fat hope eh. u cant even feed yourself. left with 14 bucks till the end of the month.

now now, how exciting can that be.



STOP THINKING SHIT AND CONCENTRATE ON WATS MORE IMPORTANT.

FYP AND CAREER.


nothing else matters.

i juz hope i can b strong enough, and listen to my ownself and reasoning. haha and i am supposed to be over you. all e best in whoever that you deem fit to be the one for you.

time for a can of maximator.

blender mixed feelings

life sucks.

big time.

really big time.

i got all the emo shit thats inside me now, and its so well blended i got no idea wtf i am actually thinking. or feeling. or watever.
















ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

procrastination

its amazing how much work can get to you.

u got plenty to do. so much till u dunno where to start. but somehow u juz dun wanna start.

and u procrastinate all day bout it.








it just makes u a bigger loser.


and it so doesnt help that u r getting so emo and lonely nowadays.


boo.

life's so full of nothings.

and you just wonder what the hell is wrong with you. when you get too caught up with work, all you will wish for is free time. and when you get free time, its too much of it till its dreadful. life's so full of contradictions, so full of nonsense.

and i am just rambling bout nothing cos i am too exhausted thinking of my FYP. doomed might be a good word to use right nw. i am farrrrrrrr from completion. i got 7 weeks left. maybe 8. my partner is not at all stressed. wth is wrong with him.

and i got so much tings in my head now, i dunno if i am thinking straight or not. there are so much things i wanna blog it out, but i cant seem to remember any.

nvm. i shall wait till it hits me again.


till then. its time for some 明星3缺1。


and think if i should break my new year resolution of not skipping training, later in e morning.

Colin

Local origin of name: English

From the Greek root name "Nicholas"

Victorious People

Emotional Spectrum

He hides his true feelings on occasion.

Personal Integrity

He will tell the truth even when it hurts.

Personality

When he is not talking, he is laughing.

Relationships

Some of Colin's friends are just like him.

Travel & Leisure

Relaxing is an art-form to him.

Career & Money

A mentor will guide him down his career path.

Life's Opportunities

With the support of many friends, he will go far.

last match of my IH career.

its over. waterpolo that is.

we lost. we should not have lost. but we did. we played too clean. the team wasnt ready for the dirtiness of the opposing team.

i was to blame. got out of the game too early. did not insist to go back in. should have been able to block the 4th shot that they scored. i should have been able to score another equaliser, if i did not hesitate, and then send the ball to somewhere else.

haiz. its over. no use gripping over things already over.

its been a good 4 years playing polo for hall 12. thats 1 thing i am very sure i will miss when i leave. at least i scored one b4 i ended my polo career. sounds miserable. but what the hell.

to take it up or not?

haiz.

to take it up or not? its a good opportunity for me to earn money, to get some experience too.

but i gotta balance up with work.

not to mention i so wanna slack for my last semester in NTU.

HAIZ.

A New Year.

its the start of a new year. its actually quite a scary thought. i am finishing school. i am going out to work in a few months. no more studying life. i am starting to fear the working world. i enjoy my studying life now. no worries, nothing. its all PT work and play. no pressures, no expectations. but what the hell, i am getting old. its time to move on and follow my age.


Resolutions for a new 2008:

1. Smoke less.
--- A max of 20 sticks a month ---

2. Train harder.
--- NEVER SKIP TRAINING! NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO, and FOLLOW YOUR DAILY REGIME! ---

3. Curse less.
--- Stop swearing, and be less pissed off at people. no matter how much they cheese u off ---

4. Work harder.
--- Money is the essence. working harder earns u more money in the future. so you will get more essence in the future ---

5. Spend less.
--- Get only what you REALLY REALLY need. there is no need for too much luxuries ---

6. Stop thinking about looking for a GF.
--- Girls are bad. they are horrible creatures. stay away from them. ---

7. Fulfill promises.
--- Whatever you promise people, you better fulfill them. its bad karma not to do so. so better think twice when you promise anyone anyting ---

8. Get GOLD for IPPT.
--- Its high time to get a gold. so run more, train harder. Ties in with (2) ---


I never did follow any of my resolutions. But what the hell. Its cool to have them anyway. Maybe i should attempt to follow them for once.