想见你

This song is getting into my head.

彩虹

popping.

its 15 more days to exams. i haven even finished half of what i am supposed to revise. i need to get at least all Bs this sem, to try to make up for my disastrous pass 6 semesters. but apparently it appears i am gonna have a difficulty to pass them, least say B. i got stacks of notes not read yet. i got info retention problem, things i read juz goes right out of my head. i been spending my precious last 3 days either sleeping or watching greys', clocking only 4 hours average of constructive studying time daily only. i am beyond screwed. i got a lab report which i have NO damn idea how to do the last question. it seems that i just cant finish the work i need to finish. my tummy is juz growing in size cos i am juz eating everyday and not exercising enough. all e sitting is making my butt grow damn big. so damn gross. i was 68.2kg 1 week ago. i am very sure i am 73 now. ARGH. i hate it. i hate my tummy. i hate being fat. i hate schwork. i hate exams. i hate school. i hate girls. i hate relationships. i hate seeing new couples form up around me cos it makes me sore. i hate e fact i snack non stop when i read my notes. i hate everything bout me.

and why isst that everyone will come tell me bout their problems. their stress. tgheir frustrations. but why isst nobody ever asks me bout mine? haiz.

life sucks. i hate it. totally.

Into You Like A Train

had a Grey's Anatomy marathon just. Season 2 episode 6 is totally horrible. totally emo. made me totally emo. this dull heartache in me that just stays. its as though i can feel what they are feeling. and it just makes me.. i dunno. emo.

what will happen that if i meet with something like that one day. i am just talking and crapping jokes a moment before, and the next moment i am dead cos someone pulled a pole outta me. when will i be able to tell that someone about what i really feel? when life is so damn unpredictable. that my life has to be sacrificed cos i was standing at the wrong place at the wrong time.

life just sucks. i am just rambling. i got so much work to catch up on, i got a lab report which i got no idea how to do the last question cos its too damn complicated. i just finished at least 8 episodes of greys' today. i took 3 2 hour naps in between. i am so screwed. so fucked. i hope my life would just be a clean end. i dont wanna know that i wil be leaving people behind. to know that it is gonna be my last moment.

screw it. ignore me. i am just emo-ed.

sunday afternoon

in hall on a sunday afternoon, mugging for the upcoming exams.

i feel like a PRC. goodness me.

i am sooooo behind time. somebody kill me. please.

exhausted.

i am totally exhausted. argh. but i am scared of nov 30 coming. cos it means i would have screwed up my papers.

how i wish there could be someone i could cuddle with and recharge with. haiz.

anyway i got myself a second belated bday present! actually starhub gave that to me. a simple nice walkman phone. ahaha. yay! think i should really really consolidate my gifts and take a foto of it! haha.

and to miss goldfish! i demand we meet up for lunch or dinner soon, before i die and i got no more chance to meet anyone. and if there are any emo days, u gotta come find me k!!!!!

=)

sighhhhh

i need a hug.

haiiiz.

OK!

nw i know why i love this song so much.

cos its e life i wanna lead, i am leading. haha.

the prince charming.

4 months plus old, and i really gotta say that he is super duper handsome!

Wat are you looking at?!

Tell me i look very shuai in this pose!

forced to take a foto wif my sister. who keeps pinching my cheeks.

a disappointment.

its really shocking. maybe i haven been back home long enough, maybe i haven been spending enough time with them. maybe i haven been really fulfilling what i am supposed to be doing as a son. but i never recalled my dad being so shrivelled. he has shrunk to all skin and bone, he is so thin now. he used to be buff enough to carry my nephew on his shoulders. he looks so much different now. so aged. and at his age of 64, he is still working. getting himself injured at work, having a hairline crack at his hip cos some dumb fuck kid rode a bike into him. all just trying to earn a living to support this house. and his car. and his mother who stays in a nursing home. and he is earning peanuts from his long hours of work.

and my mum. all the 15 hour days of hard labour at work, carrying things a third of her weight, is not helping her at all. she woke up at 2.45 am in the morning asking me to help her massage her arm cos she injured it at work, and its not recovering. and its hurting so bad she cant sleep. and juz roaming around the house, i saw a foto of her taken 4 years ago. maybe less. she looks totally different now. sunken. flappy skin at her arms not cos she is fat, but cos she lost so much weight.

and all of this is just for the simple fact, money. till now they have to work for money to make ends meet. barely meet. and it totally tears me up that i am unable to help them out. there is no way i can put the ache that is inside my heart out in words. its too overwhelming for words. and to think back on the years that i have let them down with my schwork. with my fucked up results. never did they once scold me for it. they just go, "as long as u tried your best, its ok." but did i really try my best? never. and when i wanna do it now, its a little too late. i am struggling with everything cos my basics are too fucked up. and i am putting in more then i ever did in my whole damn life of studying, and its not really working. but maybe, i am not putting enough.

all i wanna do is just to get out of sch. get a job. and ease their load. so they can really enjoy their retirement age. but can i really give them a good retirement life like i wished them to have? i dunno. not in the next few years. money earned is gonna just be fuck little.

and who is to be blamed? me. i just hate myself for being a burden to them. for being such a disappointment in life. it just sucks.

Why is this world just all bout money?

ah fuck.

NEVER NEVER ITCHY HAND

in a valiant attempt to create more swimming space for my fishes so they do not keep brushing against my corals, i changed part of the rockscape, and now it seriously looks like shit.

FUCK.

friendly attentive talkative.

yesss i am still at 69.2! despite my fears that i am growing bigger around my waist.. i am STILL growing around my waist, but the numbers says its only a 200g increase! yay!

ok. nxt week i shall aim to hit 68. muahahhaa...

juz went for a goooood and long needed swim. shiookkk.

but should i go for class later?? hmmmm.

NS40

been spending the last 2 hours reading stories posted by NS Men. looking at photos of their trainings. I have to say, it did nothing but brought back memories of my time in the army. serving the nation. feeling patriotic. damn. how i miss those times inside.




i actually miss outfield.

satisfied panicky boy

just had hotplate supper with the village pple. haven had such a supper with them in the longest time. kinda miss the good old days. though we din exactly seat around and talk like the past, but it still beats me alone in my single room along a lonely stretch.. ate and ate and ate. there goes all my training. already starting to put on fats again around my waist, cos haven been running regularly, cos of all e schwork and catching up to do. damn. i need to really watch wat i eat.

OK TONIGHT SHALL BE THE LAST NIGHT I EAT ANYTHING AFTER 9PM! NO FOOD AFTER 9PM! NOT EVEN MILO. ONLY COFFEE.

yes i am paranoid over my body shape. sue me if u dun like.

and i need to work hardddd on my revision. am going oh sooooo slowly on it. haiz.

and i stink of bbq food. all the smoke is in my hair. i think i should go bathe. hmmm.

- Quote of the Day -

Don't Let Someone Be A Priority In Your Life When You Are Simply An Option In Theirs.

how apt. but its still quite tough to listen to the quote, cos your heart just speaks too loudly.

Whatever, Anything, You Decide

Playing hard to get. as always.

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a café and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything

i need divine intervention

i am like 28 days more to exams, i have 3 reports more, plenty of stuff to catch up on, and i am in a slacky mood. i am so damn shit ass dead. someone has gotta do something bout it. when u see me sleeping in my room u have to kick me up and drag me out and pour water on me if all else fails.

i even did a wallpaper to try inspire me to do work. haiz.

dreams.

its good to have dreams. its good to keep them. but its not good to think of them too much, for they are simply just dreams. but how can u stop thinking of her when the person is like a frequent flyer in your head. intriguing.

mugged at the airport overnight on sat. finally got 1 set of notes read and down. but den i think i have a serious problem with information retention. need to do something bout it. soon. 4 more weeks more to doomsday. exactly 30 more days. 4 more reports to be due. yay. i am so fucked.

nvm. life is short. just do watever you can. MH you hang in there. exams gonna be over soon! juz mug like there's no tomorrow for now! =)

in love...

the big 1 2 day passed almost to how i wanted it to be, peaceful, allowing me to catch up on my long needed sleep after HRM induced sleep deprivation. went to watch zhang zhen yue concert in school in the evening (gotta thank JY for her effort in securing the tix) and he absolutely rox! i am like juz gonna worship him even more from now on. went for the jcrc bbq after that, and only 4 pple from the 6th turned up. wat a boo boo. and i realised all the not eating cos of HRM induced loss of appetite is screwing up my tummy. i juz ate 4 pieces of chicken fillet and i am full! i am gonna die soon. thanks shirin for the pastamania voucher.. you honest caught me by surprise when u passed it to me. was in a total loss for words. you rock totally. i shall stop victimizing u for a few days. oh must thank YH plenty for the crumpler bag! am like not wanting to let it outta my sight. either i am in love with the bag or i am in love with the idea of having a crumpler finally. either case, i am in love. and of course vinz for giving me a bottle of Absolut Raspberri. its sitting on my table and i am juz staring at it.

spent a good decent time with my mum today, running around town and having some nice alone time with her. haven had that since i dunno when, cos she is FOREVER working. and she is only off on wednesdays, and it happens to be always my busiest day.

yeah, it sucks to hafta plan your own bday get-together dinner with the family, but its always like that for the last 24 years. yeah it sucks to not have anyone to look forward to cuddle. yes it sucks to have to study for the upcoming exams, and still worry bout the stupid FYP. yes it sucks to be in this crappy world. but i am still thankful for pple that is always around me. you know who you are, enduring my crazy mood swings. i love you guys..

happy bday to myself again. belated. i think i juz hafta convince myself that bdays are actually worth celebrating again.

24.

i am turning 24 in 90 mins. happy bday to myself. but wat is exactly so happy bout it. there is nothing to look forward to, nobody to be able to share your happiness with. its juz loneliness overwhelming me. i dun need to have everyone celebrating with me. juz someone in my heart to cuddle me, and just share my bday with.

but nope. there is no one. it all sucks. and i am all emo now. shedding tears thats been hidding in me all this while. i think its juz the stress and thorough lack of sleep the last 2 weeks struggling to hit deadlines.


argh. ignore this.

40 storeys.

b4 i came back to hall just now i went up to the newly completed HDBs just around the corner from my house. went all e way up to the top. the view was like damn awesome! never regreted going up there. guess the only regret i had was not being able to live there. haiz.



took the photos from my hp cam. quality is like super lousy, but i think its still quite nice. i wanna stay at e top floor nxt time!!!!!!!!!!!

while walking to the train station i saw this lady limping really bad. its those kinda limp that you haf gotta swing your handicapped leg outwards so it will move forward.. i juz felt super sad for the lady, and i cant imagine myself without that pair of functional legs i have. never will i take my legs for granted, since i am blessed with a functional pair till now..


OH. HRM friday. some fotos from it. taken at 5am, when we already shagged out. EEE should juz abolish HRM, or change the co-ordinator. this is retarded. we are spending so much time on a 3 AU module and not even having enough time for the rest of the 20 that we are taking, excluding FYP. dumb shit EEE. booooo.

complicated simplicities.

its amazing, how something so simple, can get so complicated..

its something that everyone, no matter how much that some refuse it, wants it deep down inside them. its something that almost no one in the world can do without.

maybe i have been hurt too deeply, maybe i have be scorned too hard.
maybe i have been in a situation so familiar and yet so painful, that i dont wish to be in that situation again.
there are days so often now, that i get so busy there is often no time for me to think, but there will be days that it just hits me so hard, that i am unsure of whatever i am thinking. unsure of myself, and the dull throbbing ache just comes right back to me.

yes, i wish to be able to cuddle with someone again. able to hold her hands and feel the warmth of her in my palms. able to look into her eyes and tell her how much i love her. how much i wish to be part of her. there are days that i wish that there will be a someone for me to look forward to, to make my day not so much of a drag. there are days that i wish that that would be someone to share the cake that i am eating. to eat from the same cup of ice cream that i am eating. to just have a nice, quiet dinner with. there are days when i wish that there is someone to share her day with me, no matter how bad or how good, and let me feel how she is feeling.

but no, right now i am unable to picture myself holding another girl's hands in romance. though i know that somewhere inside my heart its telling me to just go ahead, but what is stopping me? i dont know. past scars maybe. traumatising it is has been to me. commitment-phobia? not likely. confused? probably. weighed down by personal problems and issues. definitely. too much things coming my way, too little capabilites to handle them all. and all i wish is that someone is there for me to just be with at the end of a tough day, to make me feel loved all over again. to make me feel that someone in this world actually cares for me again.

how painful can it get, to just want to feel loved again, and yet on the inside, you are torn up, there is a nail embedded too deep in your hard, cold heart, that you are unable to dig out. and all that i wish for, is the ability to love someone again. with all my heart. is it just a simple case of holding back? or is it just fear. i have no idea.

right now you are someone that has appeared in my life, that i feel that might actually light up my path again. to bring me out of the gloominess that i am in. but i, am unable to say anything to you, to tell you how i feel. maybe i still dont know you long enough, maybe its just a crush. i have no idea. but there is a huge part of me telling me no.

and it is actually a very simple thing. its either to stay single or get attached.

ciggrettes are still my best friend. it creates no complicated simplicities...

its 3am and i am..

still at the tutorial room doing the stupid HRM. so damn stupid a module to do. there is like almost nothing that i will learn from HRM except how to survive on 1 hour sleep days and still go to sch and stone cos i was rushing reports and projects all night long. its so damn stupid a thing to do. crap.

i hate HRM i hate HRM i hate HRM.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

2 reports in 2 nights

burning the whole night away and stoning the whole day away the next day is actually quite a good thing. i completed my first 4901 report on monday night, and den i just completed my part for the HRM final report. i seriously cant be any happier now, as in seriously, i wrote 2,284 words all by myself in 1 night. how cool can that be. though i am stoned as shit. and i got class at 8.30. i am so screwed seriously. and wed is my longest day ever. 8.30 till 5.30. and den i juz read that my team wanna run 15km for training tonight. i am so majorly screwed.

2 things down, many more to go.

but the feeling is still damn good.

screw HRM!

after 2 solid days of HRM discussion. 10 till 8 on both days.

school? or students?

what is like really wrong with the stupid school. why are they creating sooo many more type of courses and having soooo many students and soooooooo little study space? its like everyplace is packed with people. this never happened 3 years ago.. or could it be just the students? so chao muggers them all. disgustingly gross. STOP STUDYING YOU PEOPLE!!!! end up i gotta hide in some forlorn tutorial room to juz find a place to study. grrrrrrr.

never mind. i weigh 69kg now. weighed it yesterday after polo training. i shall aim to hit below 67 by the end of exams.

and i hate my final year life. so much damn shit to do.

grrrrrrrrrrr

rubbish actions and a spectacled cost.

i am sooooo broke nowwww.. went out to get my oakleys fixed, but den ended up getting another pair of specs.. nvm! i shall from now on wear more glasses! act studious in a vain attempt to be studious. i hope it works. i am like sooo drained after the specs. haiiiiz. any sugar mummy out there? hmmm. did a lot of zi lian shots in the bus on e way out.. not bad leh i think. without glasses. i think i am so gonna look totally dumb in specs. haiz.







OH! and i washed my dustbin! people who frequent my room will know howwwww grossly dirty my bin is, and how i always put off washing it.. so it juz gets worse and worse! but nowww!



its clean i can wear it! it smells of my shampoo! cos i used it to wash it. heh.





ok thats all the looney-ness for now. got soooooooo much damn work to do and even more reports to do. and i got no damn idea how to get one of it done! crap. someone end my agony. NO. someone help me do my report. pleasee..?