SIngapore GP F1 Night Race 2009.

Miller and Elina

Thanks for allowing me to be part of the biggest day of your lives..

Some of my favourites..

The EggYolk.

Is it the beginning of a new day? Or is it the end of just another day? I dunno.

I got so much in my mind lately. Its just so different being officially employed, and being a student. Its so hard to get expelled out of school, but it seems so easy to get fired. Especially in my office. I just seem to see people leaving. I just watched a very hardworking man walk out of the office on Monday afternoon. He was told to leave, without any reason. Its 10 days away from Christmas. He was 3 weeks away from confirmation. He was so hardworking. He is no longer employed by Extron.

Do I even dare to say anything in the office? I dont. There are comments that I cannot make, things that I have in my head that cannot come out.I hate this feeling. This is not me. Not at all. People making stupid suggestions, and I just have to execute them. People who are absolutely inefficient in work, and she has been there for over 4 years, while a man 5 months old, super hardworking, cant be any more willing to learn, or extend out a helping hand, has to leave. And my engineer counterpart, he just has to let me cover more and more shit for him. He is 38, and he doesnt behave like one. The sense of responsibility just seems to elude him. I just cant imagine he made that mistake today. Even some people cant believe it.

I am having so little appetite nowadays. I just dont feel like eating anymore. Food used to turn me right on, I will do anything to eat. It seems that I am just hiding away and away from it nowadays. I feel hungry, but I dont feel like eating. I feel stifled, encroached, alienated, at home. I feel out of place, weird, at work, where everyone seems to be my enemy. I have a lot of pent up frustrations. I dunno what to do with it. How I wish I can just be a girl, and let it all out, by crying. Nope, I got my manly pride stopping me from doing that.

And so, the next day comes, and I head to work, knowing that I have to put in my best in the company, fight for what I want in my life. And knowing full well that I might just be the nxt person walking out.

Enough of bad thoughts. Before this blog becomes one that I turn to whenever I am down...

Things I wanna do in 2009:

1. Go Redang, and maybe Australia.

2. Complete Sundown Marathon 42km,

3. Complete Standard Chartered 42km

4. Start training for Singapore Bi 2010, and ultimately Aviva Ironman 2013.

5. Work hard. Get as many Certifications as possible.

Seems weird really, work used to be my priority. The first thing I think about. And now, its the 5th thing I thought about.

Something is wrong. I dunno myself anymore.

call me selfish.

maybe all i am looking for is just a reassurance that the past will not happen again. the pain and agony, the miserable, lonely nights i spent alone, smoking, thinking, drinking, crying, trying to forget. the times where i had no one to turn to, to talk to.

maybe that is too much to ask for. maybe that is unfair to the girl. but i know for sure that, i will only be with someone when i am able to trust her totally, to believe in everything that she says. to know that she will not do anything funny behind my back. to not go out for dinner one day with a guy, and come back to initiate a breakup with me. but please understand, that i need a very strong reason to be able to trust you to that extent. i need, maybe more then a strong reason, to do so.

maybe everytime i bring up that other 2 guys, is cos i was looking for a reassuring reply from you. that will convince me that you are actually not even vaguely considering them as options too. so you have a lot of guy friends, so do i have a lot of female friends. i am not gonna stop you from going out with them, everyone deserves their own lives. but, are you able to reassure me?

call me insecure. call me selfish. call me weak. call me anything you wish to. i am just a scarred man. deep inside. the such wounds run sooo deep, it never really heals properly. i just need time. i need a much stronger reassurance than in the past. i need to be convinced that girls are juz creatures that will run away from me after a while. i am too boring and too poor to keep their attentions for long. yes, i am no longer confident of anything at all. of any relationships anymore.

i went through much more then hell the last 2 years. i am not interested to go through that again. and i am not looking for a girlfriend anymore. girlfriends dont last. they come and go. i am looking for something that will stay. with me. for life. through thick and thin, everyting that coms my way, that i can trust that she will always remain on my side.

words are juz things you say. words are just words. actions are wat that matters. actions speak louder than words. you can say that if i am not worth your wait, you wont even be with me. if so, why do you say that you are wasting time wit me? i donno. maybe its time you think about it. deeper. if i am really worth your time. worth your wait. it could be a 10 year wait. even possibly longer.

i am not gonna let women ruin this new chapter of my life. as how it did to the last chapter of mine. everything else is secondary. work is primary. i will give up everything on the r/s part to make sure my life is not messed up. ever again.

i am not pushing you away. you are 1 person that can tahan my crap, my quirks. i miss u to bits. there are times when i wanna tell u how much i yearn for you. but i hold them all back, for the fear that if i say those things to you, i might trip over and fall into the same pithole as last time again.

call me selfish. maybe i am. but its all just for self preservation.

slogging away

and i just finished national lifesaving championships, still waters segment yesterday. and i concluded i am too old to do anything anymore. except to work. no longer can i put in my best for anything after work already.

work's been quite demoralising recently. my supervisor is passing me over for simple stuff. like what the hell. testing a simple unit, i cant even do? gotta get a more snr person to do? come on la. what is he trying to say to me.

and life outside work and training? almost nothing. i barely got time for myself. all i wanna do is juz walk around sg and take fotos.

and i miss the sun. will the sun juz come out next week onwards?

haiz.

its not so bad.

i am tired.

exams over. did alright. though i felt i could have done way better den wat my current results are. but thats not the end.

plenty of assignments and presentation trainings coming up. got a lot to prepare, to do. so please dun thnk i am being slack when i dun turn up for trainings. i barely got time for myself.

i am very tired. my damn groin hurt.

argh.

bye bye YT.

i lost the oldest fish in my tank today. he was bout 6 yrs old. he has been with me for over 2 years. he went thru thick and thin. countless rescapes and dirty waters. he had only the best to eat for the last 2 over years. and he left me today for fishie kingdom. I will miss you.

and its quite disheartening to see the corals in my tank not doing well. the lack of attention for my tank is taking its toll. not only on corals, but on my wallet too. :( juz posted up a sales thread in SRC, and i shall judge from the response of the thread, to see if i should decomm a not.

anyway i have plugged in my FR again, to see if it is indeed phosphate problems causing all the deaths. or could it be my lack of feeding.

this is confusing. should i decom? or should i not? haiz.

getting slow. already fat.

haiz. i need to start to train more. i cant swim anymore! booo. sucky time trial timing. cant even get my legs to move more. crap.

got a busy nxt few weekends coming up: (this is just to remind myself)

1. 080808: Sani's Wedding. Gotta go down after work.
2. 090808: Fireworks phototaking.
3. 100808: Convo gown phototaking with hall 12 peeps (KIV)
4. 150808: Final Exam Part 1: 100 MCQ.
5. 160808: JiaHao's wedding. Whole day event.
6. 170808: Studying for exams.
7. 180808: Final Exam Part 2: System Validation. Final Exam Part 3: System Design.
8. 21-220808: Train the Trainer Course. Gotta prepare for presentations. ARGHHHHH.
9. 220808: ESCO family day. Whyyyyy must i go run!!!
10. 230808: Helping Mike with his project.

and i am quite sure i left something out. cant think of wat i left out. but i cant be bothered to think anymore. i am tired! and of course, not to mention that i got plenty of trainings coming up. ARGH. for once i actually hope that i dun get into the team. at least i got more time for myself. and my deteriorating fish tank. haiz.

i am backkkkkkk!

ok. i know, it might seem that my blog is dead. but seriously, i barely got enough time to sit down at my lappie to just try to update anything here. work's been torturous. why do i still have to go through another bout of studying right after i completed my previous education? and the passing mark is like, crazy. 80%. wth.

plenty of things happened. good things first:

1. MY WRIST IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME TO GYM AGAIN!!!!
2. I GOT A NEW BABY!

not so good things:

1. i need to work on my photography skills. i am just not doing something right.
2. i am running out of cash. wth. time to start working on my finances.
3. i need to start running. my tummy seems to be softening. bad.
4. i need a new pair of working shoes.

dang, i cant remember anything now. and blogger is being nasty to me. more updates coming!
ok. i shall upload one foto every post. in honour of my new darling. =)

tired

i always thought i could handle this. work in the day, train in the night.

for the last 3 weeks i have been reaching home like around midnight, slping around 2, waking up at 7 for work. i am tired. i think.

and i juz got a new brand of contacts today. i bloody hope dat this will be the end of days where i have to scrub my contacts to remove cataract quality protein b4 wearing them daily.

hope i can get to learn more at work. its so slow now. argh.