Jaded.

Sigh.

I dont even know what to say anymore. I dont even know what to think anymore. I dont even want to think or feel anymore. I am just so... numb to the world. And everything that's happening around me.

I dont feel the happiness and joy that I used to feel anymore. Its just day after day after day after day after day of work, and then 2 days of reprise. Which doesnt really do me any good, since I have nothing to do, nowhere to go. No one to look forward to. So whats the point?

I dont even think bout my future anymore. Bad. I am better then this.

I am just.. jaded. I am just sick of everything. I dont wanna pretend to be happy anymore, to be happy bout what I am doing, to make people think I am happy doing what I am doing. I am tired, of all this false appearances.

I think I only blog when I am down. This shouldnt be the case.

Sigh.

Its Only.

Its only when you can let go of the pain you have inside, only then you can forgive him truely for all the things he had done to you.

Its only when you can forgive him truely for all the things he had done to you, only then you set those thoughts of him/her aside, good or bad.

Its only when you are set those thoughts of him/her aside, only then you can really look at him/her as just a friend, and not as a lover.

Its only when you can look at him/her as a friend, only then you can be truely happy for him/her as a friend.

Its only when you can look at him/her as a friend, only then you can be truely happy yourself.




Its only about letting go. When you can let go, when you ALLOW yourself to let go, only then you can be truely happy.

Just Like A Ship...

Just like a ship, set adrift in the middle of the ocean. Heading nowhere, getting tossed around by the seas and waves, getting battered by the stormy weather, riding it out. Just like a ship, built to withstand all weather, unsinkable, without its own power, allowing the forces of nature to set its course. This ship, is me.

Many have said to me, "DUDE! You got a nice job, no worries, carefree life, what are you all lost and emo about?!" So my boat is watertight, and rock solid. But honestly, so what. A vessel is built to go somewhere. It needs direction to go somewhere. Without that direction, it goes nowhere. It goes wherever the winds and waves takes it. The vessel goes to places, but is never really truely there.

I want to be a vessel, moving under my own power. I want to be a ship, steaming steadily in a direction, to a destination that I really want to be at. It doesnt matter if the passage lies along stormy seas, shallow waters, as long as the destination is well worth all the troubles.

I am searching for that destination. I am hunting for that place, that will bring me HOME.

Otherwise, I am just another ship, watertight, but aimlessly adrift, in the wide empty ocean.

This is what I am emo about.

random thoughts

I think its not too bad to be stuck in a place at the absolute end of Singapore, dressed in greens everyday, since I get plenty of time, detached from the world out there, with plenty of time for me to clear some nagging thoughts in my head...

I cant help, but try to figure, how have I been. always managing to push people out of my life. So many times, again and again, what seemed so nice and comfortable in the beginning, ends up to be nothing, with those people MIA-ing out of my life. Maybe I shouldn't be too affected, since people come and go. But I cant help but think, is this happening too much, too often, to be a regular... occurance.

R, I met her 4 years ago, I thought there was really nothing much going on, but I got too attached. She was indeed one of a kind, a wonderful lady with a wonderful mind, and a character to match. And so we lost contact for 4 years, since explicit instructions were to move on. But after 4 years, I tried adding her on FB, but was rejected twice. Now, I still cant really figure out why...

M, met her a short 2-3 months ago, and we chatted quite a bit. and again, I think I got too attached, and all of a sudden, she MIA-ed again.

Is it something that I did, or is it something I didn't do?

Random ramblings, for a Friday night stuck in a camp in the middle of nowhere.

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If I Had My Life To Live Over...

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.

I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live
sensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Nadine Stair,
85 years old.



** Thanks Tin Fan.

Time is the Cure. Or is it?

THey always say, time will wash away the bad memories, and life goes on. They always say, over time, things get better, and you move on.

I guess, no one really moves on completely, no matter how long a time. Bad experiences leaves scars, and those scars remain. Yes, so scars may fade away after time, but that's a helluva long time, provided they do fade away. So what if it doesnt fade away? It will always remain a part of you, accompanying you along the way, tarnishing the goodness you find, sowing fear in all the peace and joy you have. And sadly, its only the ones that you care most, that leaves the deepest scars. Those that heal, and leave hideous scars.

May 25, 2006, left a really nasty scar in me. June 03, 2010, left another deeper one. Hell, I am sure as hell over the fact that its over, and I am moving on in life. But why do I feel so empty inside?

Was talking to Jack bout this, and I told him, its not that I am still hung up over that r/s. I am over it, but with the end of that r/s, I seem to have lost all directions in life. I used to have work pointing out the direction that I am going to tread. And when that went to shit, I had a r/s to fall back on. I had a goal, which was to work towards a marriage. And when that went to shit... Damn. Did I lose myself.

But what exactly "Moving On" entails? I dont know. I am still figuring out. And this is yet, another mindless rambling from me. I got no idea where this post is going, but it just has to get out of me.



No one really moves on. They just simply make the best of what they have, and get on with life.

Short Sleeved Shirts

Seriously, I have to document this, as this is a serious sign of my own stupidity.

I WEAR 15.5' 33.5' SHIRTS FROM G2000!!!!!

So right now, I have 8 shirts, 4 of which are brand new, 2 from my first trip to KL, and 2 cuff linked shirts from G2000. Lets not talk bout the last 4 shirts, but the 4 brand new shirts, why on earth did I still get the 32.5 inch shirts!

Cant get any stupider. Really. Colin, epitome of Stupidity.

Oh well. I just have to find ways to rid those 8 shirts. Damn waste to throw them away. And its also a fantastic sign for me to buy new stuff! Hurray!

Now, Please, lets not forget that I am going to bring a measuring tape whenever I buy any more shirts, from G2000 or not!

Thinking Back: Pt 1

Sure as hell this aint going to the be the only post, so I shall title this as Pt 1...:

IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER I MEET YOU OR NOT.

Now this sentence is still echoing around my head, till now. And I just suddenly hit me, that maybe, so maybe, I might have given her too much time. Well, she wanted lots of time alone, to do her stuff. So I gave her what she wanted. Only requested for 1/2 to a day of time every week, to meet.

Or maybe, so maybe, I am just a dull fark. Does nothing interesting, everything becomes routine, becomes mundane. I seriously lack creativity in a relationship. Maybe I so deserved this.

And definitely, its bout the face. And I have to put a stop to this occasional "wallowing in self pity" thoughts.

Object of the week: Cup.

How true, that you cant fill a cup that is already full. How can you listen and understand anything, that is said by another person, when you already have your mind made up? How, are you able to accept anything that is said by another person, when you refuse to even TRY to understand and even bloody fucking bother to remember?

Losing control. I am just fugging losing control. Its almost non-existent lately, as compared to what I was, when I left Hall, and came back home. All I need, is another few years away from this household, to attain Nirvana. I think.

And maybe, it doesnt help, that my cup is emptied. dried, and dusty. for quite a while, and looks to be a longer while.

I AM BACK!

Ok, upon the request of miss YY, I shall bravely resume my blog. Even though its been almost like forever since I last posted.

Updates to my life, simply for documentation purposes (now, why does this statement sound so familiar), major landmarks this year for me:

Late March: Trip to Extron Europe, Ameersfoort, The Netherlands.
Mid April: Trip to KL for Malaysia Showcase, KL.
Early May: Trip to Phuket, Thailand.
Early June: Got dumped (I think its 1 or 2 June, cant be sure)
Early July: Trip to Christchurch, NZ, and Auckland, NZ for Tertiary Forum
Mid August: Trip to Sydney, Australia for Integrate 2010.

Forecast!
9 Sept - 26 Sept: Nation calls
Mid Nov: Trip to HK for EST, followed by Infocomm, via BUDGET! (seriously, wtf)
5 Dec: Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon!

Stuff that's running through my head now:
- I seriously need to bloody pass IPPT in camp. Else I am oh so screwed.
- Seriously, start to look around, for an alternative 9-5?
- Ignore the daily reminders to go for dating services.
- RUN TIKO RUN!

This aint exactly how a blog should go, but, its been quite a while since I last did it, so I do have some excuse for messing it up...

Till then!

SIngapore GP F1 Night Race 2009.

Miller and Elina

Thanks for allowing me to be part of the biggest day of your lives..

Some of my favourites..

The EggYolk.

Is it the beginning of a new day? Or is it the end of just another day? I dunno.

I got so much in my mind lately. Its just so different being officially employed, and being a student. Its so hard to get expelled out of school, but it seems so easy to get fired. Especially in my office. I just seem to see people leaving. I just watched a very hardworking man walk out of the office on Monday afternoon. He was told to leave, without any reason. Its 10 days away from Christmas. He was 3 weeks away from confirmation. He was so hardworking. He is no longer employed by Extron.

Do I even dare to say anything in the office? I dont. There are comments that I cannot make, things that I have in my head that cannot come out.I hate this feeling. This is not me. Not at all. People making stupid suggestions, and I just have to execute them. People who are absolutely inefficient in work, and she has been there for over 4 years, while a man 5 months old, super hardworking, cant be any more willing to learn, or extend out a helping hand, has to leave. And my engineer counterpart, he just has to let me cover more and more shit for him. He is 38, and he doesnt behave like one. The sense of responsibility just seems to elude him. I just cant imagine he made that mistake today. Even some people cant believe it.

I am having so little appetite nowadays. I just dont feel like eating anymore. Food used to turn me right on, I will do anything to eat. It seems that I am just hiding away and away from it nowadays. I feel hungry, but I dont feel like eating. I feel stifled, encroached, alienated, at home. I feel out of place, weird, at work, where everyone seems to be my enemy. I have a lot of pent up frustrations. I dunno what to do with it. How I wish I can just be a girl, and let it all out, by crying. Nope, I got my manly pride stopping me from doing that.

And so, the next day comes, and I head to work, knowing that I have to put in my best in the company, fight for what I want in my life. And knowing full well that I might just be the nxt person walking out.

Enough of bad thoughts. Before this blog becomes one that I turn to whenever I am down...

Things I wanna do in 2009:

1. Go Redang, and maybe Australia.

2. Complete Sundown Marathon 42km,

3. Complete Standard Chartered 42km

4. Start training for Singapore Bi 2010, and ultimately Aviva Ironman 2013.

5. Work hard. Get as many Certifications as possible.

Seems weird really, work used to be my priority. The first thing I think about. And now, its the 5th thing I thought about.

Something is wrong. I dunno myself anymore.

call me selfish.

maybe all i am looking for is just a reassurance that the past will not happen again. the pain and agony, the miserable, lonely nights i spent alone, smoking, thinking, drinking, crying, trying to forget. the times where i had no one to turn to, to talk to.

maybe that is too much to ask for. maybe that is unfair to the girl. but i know for sure that, i will only be with someone when i am able to trust her totally, to believe in everything that she says. to know that she will not do anything funny behind my back. to not go out for dinner one day with a guy, and come back to initiate a breakup with me. but please understand, that i need a very strong reason to be able to trust you to that extent. i need, maybe more then a strong reason, to do so.

maybe everytime i bring up that other 2 guys, is cos i was looking for a reassuring reply from you. that will convince me that you are actually not even vaguely considering them as options too. so you have a lot of guy friends, so do i have a lot of female friends. i am not gonna stop you from going out with them, everyone deserves their own lives. but, are you able to reassure me?

call me insecure. call me selfish. call me weak. call me anything you wish to. i am just a scarred man. deep inside. the such wounds run sooo deep, it never really heals properly. i just need time. i need a much stronger reassurance than in the past. i need to be convinced that girls are juz creatures that will run away from me after a while. i am too boring and too poor to keep their attentions for long. yes, i am no longer confident of anything at all. of any relationships anymore.

i went through much more then hell the last 2 years. i am not interested to go through that again. and i am not looking for a girlfriend anymore. girlfriends dont last. they come and go. i am looking for something that will stay. with me. for life. through thick and thin, everyting that coms my way, that i can trust that she will always remain on my side.

words are juz things you say. words are just words. actions are wat that matters. actions speak louder than words. you can say that if i am not worth your wait, you wont even be with me. if so, why do you say that you are wasting time wit me? i donno. maybe its time you think about it. deeper. if i am really worth your time. worth your wait. it could be a 10 year wait. even possibly longer.

i am not gonna let women ruin this new chapter of my life. as how it did to the last chapter of mine. everything else is secondary. work is primary. i will give up everything on the r/s part to make sure my life is not messed up. ever again.

i am not pushing you away. you are 1 person that can tahan my crap, my quirks. i miss u to bits. there are times when i wanna tell u how much i yearn for you. but i hold them all back, for the fear that if i say those things to you, i might trip over and fall into the same pithole as last time again.

call me selfish. maybe i am. but its all just for self preservation.

slogging away

and i just finished national lifesaving championships, still waters segment yesterday. and i concluded i am too old to do anything anymore. except to work. no longer can i put in my best for anything after work already.

work's been quite demoralising recently. my supervisor is passing me over for simple stuff. like what the hell. testing a simple unit, i cant even do? gotta get a more snr person to do? come on la. what is he trying to say to me.

and life outside work and training? almost nothing. i barely got time for myself. all i wanna do is juz walk around sg and take fotos.

and i miss the sun. will the sun juz come out next week onwards?

haiz.

its not so bad.

i am tired.

exams over. did alright. though i felt i could have done way better den wat my current results are. but thats not the end.

plenty of assignments and presentation trainings coming up. got a lot to prepare, to do. so please dun thnk i am being slack when i dun turn up for trainings. i barely got time for myself.

i am very tired. my damn groin hurt.

argh.

bye bye YT.

i lost the oldest fish in my tank today. he was bout 6 yrs old. he has been with me for over 2 years. he went thru thick and thin. countless rescapes and dirty waters. he had only the best to eat for the last 2 over years. and he left me today for fishie kingdom. I will miss you.

and its quite disheartening to see the corals in my tank not doing well. the lack of attention for my tank is taking its toll. not only on corals, but on my wallet too. :( juz posted up a sales thread in SRC, and i shall judge from the response of the thread, to see if i should decomm a not.

anyway i have plugged in my FR again, to see if it is indeed phosphate problems causing all the deaths. or could it be my lack of feeding.

this is confusing. should i decom? or should i not? haiz.

getting slow. already fat.

haiz. i need to start to train more. i cant swim anymore! booo. sucky time trial timing. cant even get my legs to move more. crap.

got a busy nxt few weekends coming up: (this is just to remind myself)

1. 080808: Sani's Wedding. Gotta go down after work.
2. 090808: Fireworks phototaking.
3. 100808: Convo gown phototaking with hall 12 peeps (KIV)
4. 150808: Final Exam Part 1: 100 MCQ.
5. 160808: JiaHao's wedding. Whole day event.
6. 170808: Studying for exams.
7. 180808: Final Exam Part 2: System Validation. Final Exam Part 3: System Design.
8. 21-220808: Train the Trainer Course. Gotta prepare for presentations. ARGHHHHH.
9. 220808: ESCO family day. Whyyyyy must i go run!!!
10. 230808: Helping Mike with his project.

and i am quite sure i left something out. cant think of wat i left out. but i cant be bothered to think anymore. i am tired! and of course, not to mention that i got plenty of trainings coming up. ARGH. for once i actually hope that i dun get into the team. at least i got more time for myself. and my deteriorating fish tank. haiz.

i am backkkkkkk!

ok. i know, it might seem that my blog is dead. but seriously, i barely got enough time to sit down at my lappie to just try to update anything here. work's been torturous. why do i still have to go through another bout of studying right after i completed my previous education? and the passing mark is like, crazy. 80%. wth.

plenty of things happened. good things first:

1. MY WRIST IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME TO GYM AGAIN!!!!
2. I GOT A NEW BABY!

not so good things:

1. i need to work on my photography skills. i am just not doing something right.
2. i am running out of cash. wth. time to start working on my finances.
3. i need to start running. my tummy seems to be softening. bad.
4. i need a new pair of working shoes.

dang, i cant remember anything now. and blogger is being nasty to me. more updates coming!
ok. i shall upload one foto every post. in honour of my new darling. =)

tired

i always thought i could handle this. work in the day, train in the night.

for the last 3 weeks i have been reaching home like around midnight, slping around 2, waking up at 7 for work. i am tired. i think.

and i juz got a new brand of contacts today. i bloody hope dat this will be the end of days where i have to scrub my contacts to remove cataract quality protein b4 wearing them daily.

hope i can get to learn more at work. its so slow now. argh.