random thoughts

I think its not too bad to be stuck in a place at the absolute end of Singapore, dressed in greens everyday, since I get plenty of time, detached from the world out there, with plenty of time for me to clear some nagging thoughts in my head...

I cant help, but try to figure, how have I been. always managing to push people out of my life. So many times, again and again, what seemed so nice and comfortable in the beginning, ends up to be nothing, with those people MIA-ing out of my life. Maybe I shouldn't be too affected, since people come and go. But I cant help but think, is this happening too much, too often, to be a regular... occurance.

R, I met her 4 years ago, I thought there was really nothing much going on, but I got too attached. She was indeed one of a kind, a wonderful lady with a wonderful mind, and a character to match. And so we lost contact for 4 years, since explicit instructions were to move on. But after 4 years, I tried adding her on FB, but was rejected twice. Now, I still cant really figure out why...

M, met her a short 2-3 months ago, and we chatted quite a bit. and again, I think I got too attached, and all of a sudden, she MIA-ed again.

Is it something that I did, or is it something I didn't do?

Random ramblings, for a Friday night stuck in a camp in the middle of nowhere.

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If I Had My Life To Live Over...

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.

I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live
sensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Nadine Stair,
85 years old.



** Thanks Tin Fan.

Time is the Cure. Or is it?

THey always say, time will wash away the bad memories, and life goes on. They always say, over time, things get better, and you move on.

I guess, no one really moves on completely, no matter how long a time. Bad experiences leaves scars, and those scars remain. Yes, so scars may fade away after time, but that's a helluva long time, provided they do fade away. So what if it doesnt fade away? It will always remain a part of you, accompanying you along the way, tarnishing the goodness you find, sowing fear in all the peace and joy you have. And sadly, its only the ones that you care most, that leaves the deepest scars. Those that heal, and leave hideous scars.

May 25, 2006, left a really nasty scar in me. June 03, 2010, left another deeper one. Hell, I am sure as hell over the fact that its over, and I am moving on in life. But why do I feel so empty inside?

Was talking to Jack bout this, and I told him, its not that I am still hung up over that r/s. I am over it, but with the end of that r/s, I seem to have lost all directions in life. I used to have work pointing out the direction that I am going to tread. And when that went to shit, I had a r/s to fall back on. I had a goal, which was to work towards a marriage. And when that went to shit... Damn. Did I lose myself.

But what exactly "Moving On" entails? I dont know. I am still figuring out. And this is yet, another mindless rambling from me. I got no idea where this post is going, but it just has to get out of me.



No one really moves on. They just simply make the best of what they have, and get on with life.

Short Sleeved Shirts

Seriously, I have to document this, as this is a serious sign of my own stupidity.

I WEAR 15.5' 33.5' SHIRTS FROM G2000!!!!!

So right now, I have 8 shirts, 4 of which are brand new, 2 from my first trip to KL, and 2 cuff linked shirts from G2000. Lets not talk bout the last 4 shirts, but the 4 brand new shirts, why on earth did I still get the 32.5 inch shirts!

Cant get any stupider. Really. Colin, epitome of Stupidity.

Oh well. I just have to find ways to rid those 8 shirts. Damn waste to throw them away. And its also a fantastic sign for me to buy new stuff! Hurray!

Now, Please, lets not forget that I am going to bring a measuring tape whenever I buy any more shirts, from G2000 or not!

Thinking Back: Pt 1

Sure as hell this aint going to the be the only post, so I shall title this as Pt 1...:

IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER I MEET YOU OR NOT.

Now this sentence is still echoing around my head, till now. And I just suddenly hit me, that maybe, so maybe, I might have given her too much time. Well, she wanted lots of time alone, to do her stuff. So I gave her what she wanted. Only requested for 1/2 to a day of time every week, to meet.

Or maybe, so maybe, I am just a dull fark. Does nothing interesting, everything becomes routine, becomes mundane. I seriously lack creativity in a relationship. Maybe I so deserved this.

And definitely, its bout the face. And I have to put a stop to this occasional "wallowing in self pity" thoughts.

Object of the week: Cup.

How true, that you cant fill a cup that is already full. How can you listen and understand anything, that is said by another person, when you already have your mind made up? How, are you able to accept anything that is said by another person, when you refuse to even TRY to understand and even bloody fucking bother to remember?

Losing control. I am just fugging losing control. Its almost non-existent lately, as compared to what I was, when I left Hall, and came back home. All I need, is another few years away from this household, to attain Nirvana. I think.

And maybe, it doesnt help, that my cup is emptied. dried, and dusty. for quite a while, and looks to be a longer while.

I AM BACK!

Ok, upon the request of miss YY, I shall bravely resume my blog. Even though its been almost like forever since I last posted.

Updates to my life, simply for documentation purposes (now, why does this statement sound so familiar), major landmarks this year for me:

Late March: Trip to Extron Europe, Ameersfoort, The Netherlands.
Mid April: Trip to KL for Malaysia Showcase, KL.
Early May: Trip to Phuket, Thailand.
Early June: Got dumped (I think its 1 or 2 June, cant be sure)
Early July: Trip to Christchurch, NZ, and Auckland, NZ for Tertiary Forum
Mid August: Trip to Sydney, Australia for Integrate 2010.

Forecast!
9 Sept - 26 Sept: Nation calls
Mid Nov: Trip to HK for EST, followed by Infocomm, via BUDGET! (seriously, wtf)
5 Dec: Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon!

Stuff that's running through my head now:
- I seriously need to bloody pass IPPT in camp. Else I am oh so screwed.
- Seriously, start to look around, for an alternative 9-5?
- Ignore the daily reminders to go for dating services.
- RUN TIKO RUN!

This aint exactly how a blog should go, but, its been quite a while since I last did it, so I do have some excuse for messing it up...

Till then!

SIngapore GP F1 Night Race 2009.

Miller and Elina

Thanks for allowing me to be part of the biggest day of your lives..

Some of my favourites..

The EggYolk.

Is it the beginning of a new day? Or is it the end of just another day? I dunno.

I got so much in my mind lately. Its just so different being officially employed, and being a student. Its so hard to get expelled out of school, but it seems so easy to get fired. Especially in my office. I just seem to see people leaving. I just watched a very hardworking man walk out of the office on Monday afternoon. He was told to leave, without any reason. Its 10 days away from Christmas. He was 3 weeks away from confirmation. He was so hardworking. He is no longer employed by Extron.

Do I even dare to say anything in the office? I dont. There are comments that I cannot make, things that I have in my head that cannot come out.I hate this feeling. This is not me. Not at all. People making stupid suggestions, and I just have to execute them. People who are absolutely inefficient in work, and she has been there for over 4 years, while a man 5 months old, super hardworking, cant be any more willing to learn, or extend out a helping hand, has to leave. And my engineer counterpart, he just has to let me cover more and more shit for him. He is 38, and he doesnt behave like one. The sense of responsibility just seems to elude him. I just cant imagine he made that mistake today. Even some people cant believe it.

I am having so little appetite nowadays. I just dont feel like eating anymore. Food used to turn me right on, I will do anything to eat. It seems that I am just hiding away and away from it nowadays. I feel hungry, but I dont feel like eating. I feel stifled, encroached, alienated, at home. I feel out of place, weird, at work, where everyone seems to be my enemy. I have a lot of pent up frustrations. I dunno what to do with it. How I wish I can just be a girl, and let it all out, by crying. Nope, I got my manly pride stopping me from doing that.

And so, the next day comes, and I head to work, knowing that I have to put in my best in the company, fight for what I want in my life. And knowing full well that I might just be the nxt person walking out.

Enough of bad thoughts. Before this blog becomes one that I turn to whenever I am down...

Things I wanna do in 2009:

1. Go Redang, and maybe Australia.

2. Complete Sundown Marathon 42km,

3. Complete Standard Chartered 42km

4. Start training for Singapore Bi 2010, and ultimately Aviva Ironman 2013.

5. Work hard. Get as many Certifications as possible.

Seems weird really, work used to be my priority. The first thing I think about. And now, its the 5th thing I thought about.

Something is wrong. I dunno myself anymore.