Time is the Cure. Or is it?

THey always say, time will wash away the bad memories, and life goes on. They always say, over time, things get better, and you move on.

I guess, no one really moves on completely, no matter how long a time. Bad experiences leaves scars, and those scars remain. Yes, so scars may fade away after time, but that's a helluva long time, provided they do fade away. So what if it doesnt fade away? It will always remain a part of you, accompanying you along the way, tarnishing the goodness you find, sowing fear in all the peace and joy you have. And sadly, its only the ones that you care most, that leaves the deepest scars. Those that heal, and leave hideous scars.

May 25, 2006, left a really nasty scar in me. June 03, 2010, left another deeper one. Hell, I am sure as hell over the fact that its over, and I am moving on in life. But why do I feel so empty inside?

Was talking to Jack bout this, and I told him, its not that I am still hung up over that r/s. I am over it, but with the end of that r/s, I seem to have lost all directions in life. I used to have work pointing out the direction that I am going to tread. And when that went to shit, I had a r/s to fall back on. I had a goal, which was to work towards a marriage. And when that went to shit... Damn. Did I lose myself.

But what exactly "Moving On" entails? I dont know. I am still figuring out. And this is yet, another mindless rambling from me. I got no idea where this post is going, but it just has to get out of me.



No one really moves on. They just simply make the best of what they have, and get on with life.

Short Sleeved Shirts

Seriously, I have to document this, as this is a serious sign of my own stupidity.

I WEAR 15.5' 33.5' SHIRTS FROM G2000!!!!!

So right now, I have 8 shirts, 4 of which are brand new, 2 from my first trip to KL, and 2 cuff linked shirts from G2000. Lets not talk bout the last 4 shirts, but the 4 brand new shirts, why on earth did I still get the 32.5 inch shirts!

Cant get any stupider. Really. Colin, epitome of Stupidity.

Oh well. I just have to find ways to rid those 8 shirts. Damn waste to throw them away. And its also a fantastic sign for me to buy new stuff! Hurray!

Now, Please, lets not forget that I am going to bring a measuring tape whenever I buy any more shirts, from G2000 or not!

Thinking Back: Pt 1

Sure as hell this aint going to the be the only post, so I shall title this as Pt 1...:

IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER I MEET YOU OR NOT.

Now this sentence is still echoing around my head, till now. And I just suddenly hit me, that maybe, so maybe, I might have given her too much time. Well, she wanted lots of time alone, to do her stuff. So I gave her what she wanted. Only requested for 1/2 to a day of time every week, to meet.

Or maybe, so maybe, I am just a dull fark. Does nothing interesting, everything becomes routine, becomes mundane. I seriously lack creativity in a relationship. Maybe I so deserved this.

And definitely, its bout the face. And I have to put a stop to this occasional "wallowing in self pity" thoughts.

Object of the week: Cup.

How true, that you cant fill a cup that is already full. How can you listen and understand anything, that is said by another person, when you already have your mind made up? How, are you able to accept anything that is said by another person, when you refuse to even TRY to understand and even bloody fucking bother to remember?

Losing control. I am just fugging losing control. Its almost non-existent lately, as compared to what I was, when I left Hall, and came back home. All I need, is another few years away from this household, to attain Nirvana. I think.

And maybe, it doesnt help, that my cup is emptied. dried, and dusty. for quite a while, and looks to be a longer while.

I AM BACK!

Ok, upon the request of miss YY, I shall bravely resume my blog. Even though its been almost like forever since I last posted.

Updates to my life, simply for documentation purposes (now, why does this statement sound so familiar), major landmarks this year for me:

Late March: Trip to Extron Europe, Ameersfoort, The Netherlands.
Mid April: Trip to KL for Malaysia Showcase, KL.
Early May: Trip to Phuket, Thailand.
Early June: Got dumped (I think its 1 or 2 June, cant be sure)
Early July: Trip to Christchurch, NZ, and Auckland, NZ for Tertiary Forum
Mid August: Trip to Sydney, Australia for Integrate 2010.

Forecast!
9 Sept - 26 Sept: Nation calls
Mid Nov: Trip to HK for EST, followed by Infocomm, via BUDGET! (seriously, wtf)
5 Dec: Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon!

Stuff that's running through my head now:
- I seriously need to bloody pass IPPT in camp. Else I am oh so screwed.
- Seriously, start to look around, for an alternative 9-5?
- Ignore the daily reminders to go for dating services.
- RUN TIKO RUN!

This aint exactly how a blog should go, but, its been quite a while since I last did it, so I do have some excuse for messing it up...

Till then!

SIngapore GP F1 Night Race 2009.

Miller and Elina

Thanks for allowing me to be part of the biggest day of your lives..

Some of my favourites..

The EggYolk.

Is it the beginning of a new day? Or is it the end of just another day? I dunno.

I got so much in my mind lately. Its just so different being officially employed, and being a student. Its so hard to get expelled out of school, but it seems so easy to get fired. Especially in my office. I just seem to see people leaving. I just watched a very hardworking man walk out of the office on Monday afternoon. He was told to leave, without any reason. Its 10 days away from Christmas. He was 3 weeks away from confirmation. He was so hardworking. He is no longer employed by Extron.

Do I even dare to say anything in the office? I dont. There are comments that I cannot make, things that I have in my head that cannot come out.I hate this feeling. This is not me. Not at all. People making stupid suggestions, and I just have to execute them. People who are absolutely inefficient in work, and she has been there for over 4 years, while a man 5 months old, super hardworking, cant be any more willing to learn, or extend out a helping hand, has to leave. And my engineer counterpart, he just has to let me cover more and more shit for him. He is 38, and he doesnt behave like one. The sense of responsibility just seems to elude him. I just cant imagine he made that mistake today. Even some people cant believe it.

I am having so little appetite nowadays. I just dont feel like eating anymore. Food used to turn me right on, I will do anything to eat. It seems that I am just hiding away and away from it nowadays. I feel hungry, but I dont feel like eating. I feel stifled, encroached, alienated, at home. I feel out of place, weird, at work, where everyone seems to be my enemy. I have a lot of pent up frustrations. I dunno what to do with it. How I wish I can just be a girl, and let it all out, by crying. Nope, I got my manly pride stopping me from doing that.

And so, the next day comes, and I head to work, knowing that I have to put in my best in the company, fight for what I want in my life. And knowing full well that I might just be the nxt person walking out.

Enough of bad thoughts. Before this blog becomes one that I turn to whenever I am down...

Things I wanna do in 2009:

1. Go Redang, and maybe Australia.

2. Complete Sundown Marathon 42km,

3. Complete Standard Chartered 42km

4. Start training for Singapore Bi 2010, and ultimately Aviva Ironman 2013.

5. Work hard. Get as many Certifications as possible.

Seems weird really, work used to be my priority. The first thing I think about. And now, its the 5th thing I thought about.

Something is wrong. I dunno myself anymore.

call me selfish.

maybe all i am looking for is just a reassurance that the past will not happen again. the pain and agony, the miserable, lonely nights i spent alone, smoking, thinking, drinking, crying, trying to forget. the times where i had no one to turn to, to talk to.

maybe that is too much to ask for. maybe that is unfair to the girl. but i know for sure that, i will only be with someone when i am able to trust her totally, to believe in everything that she says. to know that she will not do anything funny behind my back. to not go out for dinner one day with a guy, and come back to initiate a breakup with me. but please understand, that i need a very strong reason to be able to trust you to that extent. i need, maybe more then a strong reason, to do so.

maybe everytime i bring up that other 2 guys, is cos i was looking for a reassuring reply from you. that will convince me that you are actually not even vaguely considering them as options too. so you have a lot of guy friends, so do i have a lot of female friends. i am not gonna stop you from going out with them, everyone deserves their own lives. but, are you able to reassure me?

call me insecure. call me selfish. call me weak. call me anything you wish to. i am just a scarred man. deep inside. the such wounds run sooo deep, it never really heals properly. i just need time. i need a much stronger reassurance than in the past. i need to be convinced that girls are juz creatures that will run away from me after a while. i am too boring and too poor to keep their attentions for long. yes, i am no longer confident of anything at all. of any relationships anymore.

i went through much more then hell the last 2 years. i am not interested to go through that again. and i am not looking for a girlfriend anymore. girlfriends dont last. they come and go. i am looking for something that will stay. with me. for life. through thick and thin, everyting that coms my way, that i can trust that she will always remain on my side.

words are juz things you say. words are just words. actions are wat that matters. actions speak louder than words. you can say that if i am not worth your wait, you wont even be with me. if so, why do you say that you are wasting time wit me? i donno. maybe its time you think about it. deeper. if i am really worth your time. worth your wait. it could be a 10 year wait. even possibly longer.

i am not gonna let women ruin this new chapter of my life. as how it did to the last chapter of mine. everything else is secondary. work is primary. i will give up everything on the r/s part to make sure my life is not messed up. ever again.

i am not pushing you away. you are 1 person that can tahan my crap, my quirks. i miss u to bits. there are times when i wanna tell u how much i yearn for you. but i hold them all back, for the fear that if i say those things to you, i might trip over and fall into the same pithole as last time again.

call me selfish. maybe i am. but its all just for self preservation.

slogging away

and i just finished national lifesaving championships, still waters segment yesterday. and i concluded i am too old to do anything anymore. except to work. no longer can i put in my best for anything after work already.

work's been quite demoralising recently. my supervisor is passing me over for simple stuff. like what the hell. testing a simple unit, i cant even do? gotta get a more snr person to do? come on la. what is he trying to say to me.

and life outside work and training? almost nothing. i barely got time for myself. all i wanna do is juz walk around sg and take fotos.

and i miss the sun. will the sun juz come out next week onwards?

haiz.