Sigh.
I dont even know what to say anymore. I dont even know what to think anymore. I dont even want to think or feel anymore. I am just so... numb to the world. And everything that's happening around me.
I dont feel the happiness and joy that I used to feel anymore. Its just day after day after day after day after day of work, and then 2 days of reprise. Which doesnt really do me any good, since I have nothing to do, nowhere to go. No one to look forward to. So whats the point?
I dont even think bout my future anymore. Bad. I am better then this.
I am just.. jaded. I am just sick of everything. I dont wanna pretend to be happy anymore, to be happy bout what I am doing, to make people think I am happy doing what I am doing. I am tired, of all this false appearances.
I think I only blog when I am down. This shouldnt be the case.
Sigh.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Its Only.
Its only when you can let go of the pain you have inside, only then you can forgive him truely for all the things he had done to you.
Its only when you can forgive him truely for all the things he had done to you, only then you set those thoughts of him/her aside, good or bad.
Its only when you are set those thoughts of him/her aside, only then you can really look at him/her as just a friend, and not as a lover.
Its only when you can look at him/her as a friend, only then you can be truely happy for him/her as a friend.
Its only when you can look at him/her as a friend, only then you can be truely happy yourself.
Its only about letting go. When you can let go, when you ALLOW yourself to let go, only then you can be truely happy.
Its only when you can forgive him truely for all the things he had done to you, only then you set those thoughts of him/her aside, good or bad.
Its only when you are set those thoughts of him/her aside, only then you can really look at him/her as just a friend, and not as a lover.
Its only when you can look at him/her as a friend, only then you can be truely happy for him/her as a friend.
Its only when you can look at him/her as a friend, only then you can be truely happy yourself.
Its only about letting go. When you can let go, when you ALLOW yourself to let go, only then you can be truely happy.
Just Like A Ship...
Just like a ship, set adrift in the middle of the ocean. Heading nowhere, getting tossed around by the seas and waves, getting battered by the stormy weather, riding it out. Just like a ship, built to withstand all weather, unsinkable, without its own power, allowing the forces of nature to set its course. This ship, is me.
Many have said to me, "DUDE! You got a nice job, no worries, carefree life, what are you all lost and emo about?!" So my boat is watertight, and rock solid. But honestly, so what. A vessel is built to go somewhere. It needs direction to go somewhere. Without that direction, it goes nowhere. It goes wherever the winds and waves takes it. The vessel goes to places, but is never really truely there.
I want to be a vessel, moving under my own power. I want to be a ship, steaming steadily in a direction, to a destination that I really want to be at. It doesnt matter if the passage lies along stormy seas, shallow waters, as long as the destination is well worth all the troubles.
I am searching for that destination. I am hunting for that place, that will bring me HOME.
Otherwise, I am just another ship, watertight, but aimlessly adrift, in the wide empty ocean.
This is what I am emo about.
Many have said to me, "DUDE! You got a nice job, no worries, carefree life, what are you all lost and emo about?!" So my boat is watertight, and rock solid. But honestly, so what. A vessel is built to go somewhere. It needs direction to go somewhere. Without that direction, it goes nowhere. It goes wherever the winds and waves takes it. The vessel goes to places, but is never really truely there.
I want to be a vessel, moving under my own power. I want to be a ship, steaming steadily in a direction, to a destination that I really want to be at. It doesnt matter if the passage lies along stormy seas, shallow waters, as long as the destination is well worth all the troubles.
I am searching for that destination. I am hunting for that place, that will bring me HOME.
Otherwise, I am just another ship, watertight, but aimlessly adrift, in the wide empty ocean.
This is what I am emo about.
Friday, September 17, 2010
random thoughts
I think its not too bad to be stuck in a place at the absolute end of Singapore, dressed in greens everyday, since I get plenty of time, detached from the world out there, with plenty of time for me to clear some nagging thoughts in my head...
I cant help, but try to figure, how have I been. always managing to push people out of my life. So many times, again and again, what seemed so nice and comfortable in the beginning, ends up to be nothing, with those people MIA-ing out of my life. Maybe I shouldn't be too affected, since people come and go. But I cant help but think, is this happening too much, too often, to be a regular... occurance.
R, I met her 4 years ago, I thought there was really nothing much going on, but I got too attached. She was indeed one of a kind, a wonderful lady with a wonderful mind, and a character to match. And so we lost contact for 4 years, since explicit instructions were to move on. But after 4 years, I tried adding her on FB, but was rejected twice. Now, I still cant really figure out why...
M, met her a short 2-3 months ago, and we chatted quite a bit. and again, I think I got too attached, and all of a sudden, she MIA-ed again.
Is it something that I did, or is it something I didn't do?
Random ramblings, for a Friday night stuck in a camp in the middle of nowhere.
I cant help, but try to figure, how have I been. always managing to push people out of my life. So many times, again and again, what seemed so nice and comfortable in the beginning, ends up to be nothing, with those people MIA-ing out of my life. Maybe I shouldn't be too affected, since people come and go. But I cant help but think, is this happening too much, too often, to be a regular... occurance.
R, I met her 4 years ago, I thought there was really nothing much going on, but I got too attached. She was indeed one of a kind, a wonderful lady with a wonderful mind, and a character to match. And so we lost contact for 4 years, since explicit instructions were to move on. But after 4 years, I tried adding her on FB, but was rejected twice. Now, I still cant really figure out why...
M, met her a short 2-3 months ago, and we chatted quite a bit. and again, I think I got too attached, and all of a sudden, she MIA-ed again.
Is it something that I did, or is it something I didn't do?
Random ramblings, for a Friday night stuck in a camp in the middle of nowhere.
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Sunday, September 12, 2010
If I Had My Life To Live Over...
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I'm one of those people who live
sensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.
Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.
Nadine Stair,
85 years old.
** Thanks Tin Fan.
I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I'm one of those people who live
sensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.
Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.
Nadine Stair,
85 years old.
** Thanks Tin Fan.
Time is the Cure. Or is it?
THey always say, time will wash away the bad memories, and life goes on. They always say, over time, things get better, and you move on.
I guess, no one really moves on completely, no matter how long a time. Bad experiences leaves scars, and those scars remain. Yes, so scars may fade away after time, but that's a helluva long time, provided they do fade away. So what if it doesnt fade away? It will always remain a part of you, accompanying you along the way, tarnishing the goodness you find, sowing fear in all the peace and joy you have. And sadly, its only the ones that you care most, that leaves the deepest scars. Those that heal, and leave hideous scars.
May 25, 2006, left a really nasty scar in me. June 03, 2010, left another deeper one. Hell, I am sure as hell over the fact that its over, and I am moving on in life. But why do I feel so empty inside?
Was talking to Jack bout this, and I told him, its not that I am still hung up over that r/s. I am over it, but with the end of that r/s, I seem to have lost all directions in life. I used to have work pointing out the direction that I am going to tread. And when that went to shit, I had a r/s to fall back on. I had a goal, which was to work towards a marriage. And when that went to shit... Damn. Did I lose myself.
But what exactly "Moving On" entails? I dont know. I am still figuring out. And this is yet, another mindless rambling from me. I got no idea where this post is going, but it just has to get out of me.
No one really moves on. They just simply make the best of what they have, and get on with life.
I guess, no one really moves on completely, no matter how long a time. Bad experiences leaves scars, and those scars remain. Yes, so scars may fade away after time, but that's a helluva long time, provided they do fade away. So what if it doesnt fade away? It will always remain a part of you, accompanying you along the way, tarnishing the goodness you find, sowing fear in all the peace and joy you have. And sadly, its only the ones that you care most, that leaves the deepest scars. Those that heal, and leave hideous scars.
May 25, 2006, left a really nasty scar in me. June 03, 2010, left another deeper one. Hell, I am sure as hell over the fact that its over, and I am moving on in life. But why do I feel so empty inside?
Was talking to Jack bout this, and I told him, its not that I am still hung up over that r/s. I am over it, but with the end of that r/s, I seem to have lost all directions in life. I used to have work pointing out the direction that I am going to tread. And when that went to shit, I had a r/s to fall back on. I had a goal, which was to work towards a marriage. And when that went to shit... Damn. Did I lose myself.
But what exactly "Moving On" entails? I dont know. I am still figuring out. And this is yet, another mindless rambling from me. I got no idea where this post is going, but it just has to get out of me.
No one really moves on. They just simply make the best of what they have, and get on with life.
Short Sleeved Shirts
Seriously, I have to document this, as this is a serious sign of my own stupidity.
I WEAR 15.5' 33.5' SHIRTS FROM G2000!!!!!
So right now, I have 8 shirts, 4 of which are brand new, 2 from my first trip to KL, and 2 cuff linked shirts from G2000. Lets not talk bout the last 4 shirts, but the 4 brand new shirts, why on earth did I still get the 32.5 inch shirts!
Cant get any stupider. Really. Colin, epitome of Stupidity.
Oh well. I just have to find ways to rid those 8 shirts. Damn waste to throw them away. And its also a fantastic sign for me to buy new stuff! Hurray!
Now, Please, lets not forget that I am going to bring a measuring tape whenever I buy any more shirts, from G2000 or not!
I WEAR 15.5' 33.5' SHIRTS FROM G2000!!!!!
So right now, I have 8 shirts, 4 of which are brand new, 2 from my first trip to KL, and 2 cuff linked shirts from G2000. Lets not talk bout the last 4 shirts, but the 4 brand new shirts, why on earth did I still get the 32.5 inch shirts!
Cant get any stupider. Really. Colin, epitome of Stupidity.
Oh well. I just have to find ways to rid those 8 shirts. Damn waste to throw them away. And its also a fantastic sign for me to buy new stuff! Hurray!
Now, Please, lets not forget that I am going to bring a measuring tape whenever I buy any more shirts, from G2000 or not!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thinking Back: Pt 1
Sure as hell this aint going to the be the only post, so I shall title this as Pt 1...:
IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER I MEET YOU OR NOT.
Now this sentence is still echoing around my head, till now. And I just suddenly hit me, that maybe, so maybe, I might have given her too much time. Well, she wanted lots of time alone, to do her stuff. So I gave her what she wanted. Only requested for 1/2 to a day of time every week, to meet.
Or maybe, so maybe, I am just a dull fark. Does nothing interesting, everything becomes routine, becomes mundane. I seriously lack creativity in a relationship. Maybe I so deserved this.
And definitely, its bout the face. And I have to put a stop to this occasional "wallowing in self pity" thoughts.
IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER I MEET YOU OR NOT.
Now this sentence is still echoing around my head, till now. And I just suddenly hit me, that maybe, so maybe, I might have given her too much time. Well, she wanted lots of time alone, to do her stuff. So I gave her what she wanted. Only requested for 1/2 to a day of time every week, to meet.
Or maybe, so maybe, I am just a dull fark. Does nothing interesting, everything becomes routine, becomes mundane. I seriously lack creativity in a relationship. Maybe I so deserved this.
And definitely, its bout the face. And I have to put a stop to this occasional "wallowing in self pity" thoughts.
Object of the week: Cup.
How true, that you cant fill a cup that is already full. How can you listen and understand anything, that is said by another person, when you already have your mind made up? How, are you able to accept anything that is said by another person, when you refuse to even TRY to understand and even bloody fucking bother to remember?
Losing control. I am just fugging losing control. Its almost non-existent lately, as compared to what I was, when I left Hall, and came back home. All I need, is another few years away from this household, to attain Nirvana. I think.
And maybe, it doesnt help, that my cup is emptied. dried, and dusty. for quite a while, and looks to be a longer while.
Losing control. I am just fugging losing control. Its almost non-existent lately, as compared to what I was, when I left Hall, and came back home. All I need, is another few years away from this household, to attain Nirvana. I think.
And maybe, it doesnt help, that my cup is emptied. dried, and dusty. for quite a while, and looks to be a longer while.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I AM BACK!
Ok, upon the request of miss YY, I shall bravely resume my blog. Even though its been almost like forever since I last posted.
Updates to my life, simply for documentation purposes (now, why does this statement sound so familiar), major landmarks this year for me:
Late March: Trip to Extron Europe, Ameersfoort, The Netherlands.
Mid April: Trip to KL for Malaysia Showcase, KL.
Early May: Trip to Phuket, Thailand.
Early June: Got dumped (I think its 1 or 2 June, cant be sure)
Early July: Trip to Christchurch, NZ, and Auckland, NZ for Tertiary Forum
Mid August: Trip to Sydney, Australia for Integrate 2010.
Forecast!
9 Sept - 26 Sept: Nation calls
Mid Nov: Trip to HK for EST, followed by Infocomm, via BUDGET! (seriously, wtf)
5 Dec: Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon!
Stuff that's running through my head now:
- I seriously need to bloody pass IPPT in camp. Else I am oh so screwed.
- Seriously, start to look around, for an alternative 9-5?
- Ignore the daily reminders to go for dating services.
- RUN TIKO RUN!
This aint exactly how a blog should go, but, its been quite a while since I last did it, so I do have some excuse for messing it up...
Till then!
Updates to my life, simply for documentation purposes (now, why does this statement sound so familiar), major landmarks this year for me:
Late March: Trip to Extron Europe, Ameersfoort, The Netherlands.
Mid April: Trip to KL for Malaysia Showcase, KL.
Early May: Trip to Phuket, Thailand.
Early June: Got dumped (I think its 1 or 2 June, cant be sure)
Early July: Trip to Christchurch, NZ, and Auckland, NZ for Tertiary Forum
Mid August: Trip to Sydney, Australia for Integrate 2010.
Forecast!
9 Sept - 26 Sept: Nation calls
Mid Nov: Trip to HK for EST, followed by Infocomm, via BUDGET! (seriously, wtf)
5 Dec: Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon!
Stuff that's running through my head now:
- I seriously need to bloody pass IPPT in camp. Else I am oh so screwed.
- Seriously, start to look around, for an alternative 9-5?
- Ignore the daily reminders to go for dating services.
- RUN TIKO RUN!
This aint exactly how a blog should go, but, its been quite a while since I last did it, so I do have some excuse for messing it up...
Till then!
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